Breathless
by Simon Kay
Summary: After a routine lecture at Hogwarts yields a shocking discovery, Harry begins to delve further into his Godfather’s past, and is forced to acknowledge that he may not have known Sirius after all. HPGW, RWHG, SBOC, SBLP. Complete.
1. The Visit

NOTE: THIS STORY CONTAINS SOME SPOILERS FROM THE DEATHLY HALLOWS. It takes place after the events of the 7th book, and therefore if you have not read it and don't want it spoiled, I would recommend you refrain from reading it at this point! But come back when you're done!

Stuff: this is slightly AU, but altogether I didn't really mess with canon much, aside from the addition of a few scenes that were never mentioned and two OCs. Oh, and I don't own Harry Potter blah blah blah. Obviously. This story takes place, for the most part, during two different time periods. The first is sometime in late September/ early October of 2008, before the epilogue occurs and 11 years after the fall of Voldemort. Harry's two sons, James and Albus, have already been born, and are 4 and 3 respectively. Ginny is a little over 7 months pregnant with Lily. The second is the fall/winter of 1995, spring of 1996, before the Battle at the Department of Mysteries in Book 5.

Acknowledgements: I dedicate this fiction to Lauryn, who inspired me to write this fan fiction. I hope it doesn't disappoint!

- - - - - - - - - -

_Early September 2008_

She had his laugh.

It was the sound of her laugh that made Harry turn, almost tripping as his foot caught on the corner of the doorway. Harry twisted his body forwards and bolted into the hallways to follow, shaking off the hopeful students who'd waited after the lecture to speak to him. The laugh seemed to be absorbed by the school as it faded, disappearing into the crevices of the hall and tapering off as he pushed aside a group of terrified first years that had been scurrying past. He stopped in the middle of a group of indignant Ravenclaw girls, listening intently for the sound again, caught between a fear he'd imagined it and a stronger fear he hadn't. After a minute of silence that left Harry breathless, it came again. Loud and unmistakable, it seemed to seep back from the corners of the room and surround him- a cross between a laugh and a bark, both human and canine at the same time. Even though this version was younger and more feminine than he had ever heard before, it was so clearly his laugh that it made his blood race.

Suddenly, his eyes lighted on the source, and he felt himself paling.

She was young, most likely a second year, but as she pressed her lean body against the wall and threw back her head to laugh, she looked older through her grace. Though the corner in which she was pressed was full of girls her age, she was clearly at the center of them. The charisma she possessed was palpable.

Filled with a sudden need to see the girl from close up, he pushed through a few Slytherin boys, all of whom scowled at him as he passed, approaching her gaggle. Harry could not explain it but he had to speak to her, to see her up close, to know more about her. He coughed expectantly when he reached them, and her friends jumped in surprise around her. The girl, however, seemed unfazed by his sudden entry to the group and straightened carefully, shaking her long black hair away from the crimson-framed lion on her robes and staring at him with curiosity. His stomach turned as she met his green eyes with her bright gray ones; they were the exact same color he was sure they would be. He couldn't help himself from openly examining her, this miniature that stood before him. Her nose, her ears, her eyebrows, her teeth, her straight, waist length jet black hair- if it weren't for her small, lopsided mouth and the fact she was a twelve year old girl, he would have been sure he was seeing a ghost.

She was in every way the picture of Sirius.

"Do you need something, Mr. Potter?" She said, curiosity still painted all over her face. It was only then he realized he'd been staring without speaking for quite some time.

"Oh, well, not really. I was just wondering where I could find Professor Longbottom." He lied, staring back. "Do you know where I could find him, Ms...?"

"Weller." she supplied. "Charlie Weller."

"Your first name is Charlie?" He asked, unable to stop himself. "Isn't that a boy's name?"

"Her first name is Charlotte!" shouted one of her companions, giggling. Her calm demeanor rattled with the mention of her name, and she yanked a strand of hair roughly away from her face.

"_Please_ call me Charlie- I _hate _Charlotte." She scowled at her friend, who only giggled more. "Or you can just call me by my last name, like a teacher, I don't mind- just not Charlotte."

He laughed at the pained expression on her face. "Charlie then. Can you help me find Professor Longbottom? I'm afraid I checked his office and he wasn't there."

She nodded. "I think he's in one of the spare classrooms giving a detention, I can help you find him if you'd like."

He really hadn't planned on seeing Neville- in fact he'd just said goodbye to him- but he could not resist the urge to speak alone to the girl. There were so many things he wanted to ask her. He was desperate to explain this connection to his long-dead Godfather. Why did this girl look so much like him?

Charlie waved a goodbye to her friends and tossed her bag onto her shoulder, pulling her hair away from the strap as she walked with a smile to Harry.

"I think he's this way." She said, gesturing toward the direction of the opposite hallway. "I saw him heading there with one of the Hufflepuff boys who tried to jinx Mara Flethcher in Herbology this morning."

Harry nodded, not really listening. He was drinking in the slightly animated way she talked, reminding Harry of the day he had first met Sirius, the excitement that had tinged his wasted face when Harry had croaked he'd wanted to live with him.

"Mr. Potter? Mr. Potter?" She looked at him warily, and he'd realized he'd been going the wrong way, not following her.

"Oh I'm sorry, it's been a long morning." Harry said cheerfully. "I've been giving lectures to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classes, you know. What did you think of it?"  
She grinned roguishly. "Is it true? All those things about you defeated The Dark Lord, and using all those spells and protecting Hogwarts?"

He nodded. "It did happen once, I promise. Didn't believe your parents when they told you?"

"My mother never told me about it," she said, shaking her head. "Well, she didn't really know about it. She's a muggle, you know."

"And your father?"

She ran a hand through her hair, looking away from Harry. "I don't remember him. Mum said he died when I was young. I don't know if he was a wizard, she doesn't really like talking about it."

"I'm sorry to hear that." He said quietly. "It's not easy growing up without a dad."

"At least I've got my mum." She replied, pulling at her hair again. "She's letting me go to Hogwarts, after all."

"So you like Hogwarts?" Harry said, changing the subject abruptly. He felt sorry for bringing the subject up.

"I love Hogwarts," She told him seriously, focusing on him suddenly, the depth of her eyes catching him off guard for a moment. "And I want to use my gifts for the good of everybody. I want to be like _you_, Mr. Potter. I want to grow up and fight the dark wizards of the world."

He smiled and they stopped suddenly in front of a nearly empty classroom containing two students and a stern looking Neville. "Well here he is, Mr. Potter. It was nice speaking to you."

"Goodbye Charlie, take care." He called after her retreating figure. Harry wanted to follow her back to her friends, to watch her charm them, but Neville was letting the boys out of the detention and heading toward Harry.

"Harry!" He said, clapping him on the back. "I thought you'd gone already by now. Something wrong? Ginny need something from my stores?"

"No, Neville, nothing wrong, and Ginny's fine, thanks." He said, smiling at his friend's concern. "Just met an interesting student is all, and wanted to talk to her a little."

"Oh, really? What student?"

"Charlotte Weller. You know her?" Harry asked.

"Charlie! She's a Gryffindor second year, and a pistol if you ask anyone in the place." He said affectionately, accidentally knocking over a stack of paper as he leaned on the desk behind him. "Reminds me of you sometimes, with the mouth on her, or Hermione with the brains she's got- probably a muggle-born, too, just like Hermione. She's really something at every subject, but Katie Bell tells me the work she does in Defense Against the Dark Arts is really something."

"D'you know what her mum is like?" Harry asked. "Where does she live?"

"Yeah, her mum's name is Tawny Weller," Neville said as he leaned to pick up the papers. "I was the one who went to tell her about Charlie being a witch and all, you know that policy we have about talking to the parents of muggle-borns instead of just sending an owl. Lessens the shock. Tawny seemed all right with it though. Couldn't tell if she had thought Charlie was a witch of if she just wasn't that excitable. A real laid back lady. Couldn't be less like Charlie if she was trying."

"She told me she didn't know her father." Harry said frowning. "Said he died."

Neville shook his head. "He might have, but Tawny wouldn't know. The bloke didn't marry her. He stepped out around the time he found out Tawny was going to have a baby. Gentlemanly of him, right?"

"That type is always lurking somewhere," said Harry, his insides churning again. He felt nervous. "Real shame. Think you could give me the address? I'd like to talk to her."

Neville wrote something on a piece of paper and turned to hand it to Harry, jokingly pulling it away at the last minute. "Ginny'll kill me if I happen to be giving you the means to find a mistress," He chastised. "So you better have a good reason for needing this."

Harry laughed hollowly and pulled the piece of paper from Neville's hands, setting off toward the entrance to the school.

- - - -

That night, after James and Albus had been put to bed, he relayed the story to Ginny as they'd sat in bed while she drank tea and read _The Prophet_. She'd peeked up from her newspaper now and then to give him her full attention, but said nothing when he'd finished.

"Well?" He said, expectantly, staring at her. "What do you make of it?"

"I have no idea what to make of it Harry." She said carefully, putting her paper and tea cup on the bedside table. "Couldn't it be just a coincidence? Maybe the father was related to the Black family, the blood line is pretty large."

Harry sighed, laying on the bed and placing his hands on her belly, which was now obscenely large. "I don't know Gin, I thought that too, but…" He shook his head. "You have to see the girl, she's his replica. She even had the same barking laugh. What are the odds of a girl like that?"

"But even if…" she stopped. "I just don't think he would have. The mother was a muggle, Harry." Ginny said, brushing the hair from his eyes. "He couldn't have known her, Sirius wasn't even allowed to leave Grimmauld Place back then, remember?"

Harry was silent for a moment. "But what if he had?"

Ginny said nothing for a long time as she lowered herself in the bed. She pulled Harry down under the covers with her and touched his face gently. "Do you think there's a chance he did?"

Harry took her hand in his, brushing it against his lips. "I'm not sure. Why would he disobey Dumbledore? And the mother… she was a muggle, after all."

"It was probably just a coincidence, Harry." She said softly, and Harry could tell she was falling asleep. "Don't think too much about it."

Harry tried to take stock in what she was saying as he pressed himself against her, but every time he tried to fall asleep he heard it again- that barking laugh, light and feminine, but Sirius' all the same.


	2. The Beginning

Hello, Chapter 2!

Note: DEATHLY HALLOWS SPOILERS- come back later if you're not done! For the placement of all my dates, I use the Lexicon. It is the Harry Potter Fanfiction Writer's bible. So there you go. Read and enjoy!

And also, HAPPY TWENTY-SEVENTH BIRTHDAY, HARRY POTTER! (and the same wish, a day belated, to Neville Longbottom!)

- - - - -

_Early October 1995_

Sirius Black was breaking rules again.

It had been a long time since his Hogwarts days with the Marauders, but even after Azkaban Sirius had a penchant for disobeying. These days he had little precious opportunity to do so, with the Order constantly following him under Dumbledore's instruction, but Sirius had still found a way to sneak out of the house once in a while. It had come to him a few days after Harry and the other children left for school. He'd been upstairs, sulkily feeding Buckbeak, when he realized something startling- no one had come to claim him while he was up here. Even Molly, who had previously been checking on him round the clock, had left him to his own devices after their fight in the kitchen, preferring not to take his company more than once every few hours. Curious, Sirius had gone about an unplanned,casual escape out the front door in dog form, just to see if it was possible, and delighted when he managed to slip out unnoticed. Though only for an hour or so every few days, it was enough to get the wind in hair and out of the gloom of the house which had cast such a dark spell over his subconscious.

At first it had been exhilarating. Sirius Black, plain as day, roaming the streets as a mangy dog right under Dumbledore's hairy old nose! The thrill of possibility- a Muggle dog-catcher, a wayward Death Eater, a traveling member of the Order- sustained him for several weeks. Eventually, though, the shock of the unknown could not prove enough for Padfoot, and he had succumbed to a sort of wandering melancholy on his days outdoors. Though less volatile than the kind that consumed him inside the walls of 12 Grimmauld, he found himself many a day peering at the lake in a nearby park with the kind of terrible feeling of regret he felt pining in the dark corners of his mother's bedroom in the cold Black residence.

Sirius knew he had lived too long in the presence of dementors, for their sadness still seeped into him far more often than he could admit. Even his happy memories of James and Lily, which had come back to him slowly over the last two years, could not console him in his depression. Many nights he dreamed of Lily and James laughing just beyond his reach, stealing through the back passages and secret tunnels of Hogwarts, a hazy vision of them holding hands disappearing every few moments around corners he hadn't seen. No matter how he called out to them they wouldn't stop, laughing and laughing, until suddenly they were screaming for his help, for mercy from an enemy Sirius couldn't see, and he'd wake in the middle of the night screaming, too, weeping that he couldn't find them. He was ashamed of this more than anything, of his tears, of a pain that after 15 years he still could not help feeling. Other times he would simply find himself caught in the memory of the night he found them dead, of the way he'd held James' cold body, whispering his name, the way he could feel every part in his own body slowly going cold, too. Of Hagrid only a few feet away, Lily's beautiful auburn mane spilling past his giant arms, the man's sobs low and quiet. Of the silence of it all, of the icy realization of death, and then the sudden cry of Harry breaking the night.

Most of all, Sirius felt an acute sense of aloneness that he couldn't seem to shake. None of the many members of the Order who passed through the house on a regular basis seemed to understand or alleviate this feeling of emptiness in Sirius. Even Remus, the only other Marauder left to him, could not properly remove the depression he slipped in to so frequently. Though Remus often came to sit with Sirius, and appreciated his need for silence with the deftness of a good friend, there was a gap between them that could not be bridged; a gap James and Lily Potter and Peter Pettigrew had once inhabited. Gone were the carefree children they had been in their presence, replaced instead by a duo of adults left weary by the mark of their world's collapse. Most of all, Sirius could not bring himself to admit to Remus the secret that lingered inside him, the one thing that haunted him most in the quiet he could not contain or escape. He was sure his betrayal of James stuck to him like a stench, positive that everyone around him could smell it and it was the reason they gave him such a wide berth. In his most logical moments, Sirius could admit in some small way that he himself perpetuated his isolation, but logic often melted in the face of his anger and hurt.

Lily and James dominated him in equal parts when his thoughts overcame him. He told himself loved both of them in equal measure and in exactly the same manner. At first, this pretense had been enough in his post-Azkaban moments- any memory of Lily or James had been happy enough to be sucked from him by the dementors after only a few weeks time. But now, two years later, as the truth of his memories floated back to him once more, Sirius Black was increasingly forced to admit the reality of the past. It was as if his memories had become sharp around the edges, like razor blades. They clung to him, pointed and painful, and left him screaming in the night.

- - - - - - -

_Late May 1975_

_The Marauders were about to finish their sixth year of Hogwarts, and to celebrate they had decided to spend the afternoon by the lake. James was running late again and his three friends sat in the shade of a tree waiting for him, some more patiently than others. Lately James had been late for everything, or more likely, a no-show, because of his blossoming relationship with Lily Evans. He never seemed to spend more than a moment alone without her. The two were enamored with each other, positively obsessed in Sirius' mind, and he had become exasperated. But today James had agreed to a day with the Marauders. The weather was perfect, sunny and bright, and Sirius Black was feeling up for a bit of mischief, the kind he could only enjoy with the help of his best friend. So when he saw Lily Evans hanging happily off James' arm as he came down the hill toward his friends, he was less than enthused at her presence._

_"Moony, what's she doing, coming down here with him?" Sirius said irritably, pulling a fistful of grass from the ground vigorously. _

_"She's coming to spend the afternoon with us, what else would she be doing." Remus replied carefully._

_"Why didn't you tell me she was coming?" demanded Sirius, agitated that the other two had known she was coming without warning him._

_"Because I knew you'd act like this, or else try to stop him," Remus said, not bothering to look up from his book, "And I highly suspect that's also why James didn't tell you, either." _

_Peter gave a high-pitched laugh and Sirius threw his handful of grace in his face. "Oh shut it, Wormtail. Nobody asked you anyway." _

_Sirius leaned back and gave a sigh of discontent as Peter brushed the greenery off his shirt with a pained look. "I wanted to get up to a bit of fun, run around the grounds a bit maybe, find old Snivelly and give him a good parting gift to hold him off till next year. James won't be doing that with _her_ around. Ever since he started dating her he's gone soft." _

_"Good on her then. For the record, mate, I've told you a thousand times I don't like the way the two of you are always after Snape, either, but you never listen to me." Moony replied. _

_"Yes well, that's because you're about as convincing as Professor Binns, Remus, not to mention that neither of us has ever wanted to snog you." said Sirius. "But Lily's got that sway over him, all he wants to do is worship her when she's around." _

_Sirius stole a look at the approaching couple, now only a few feet from where the other three Marauders had set themselves up in the grass. He felt his stomach turn as Lily pushed a strand of stray hair from James' face, laughing lightly. He brushed his own glossy hair back and held it at the nape of his neck, looking away in an attempt to rid himself of the acidic jumble his insides had become. _

_"Oi!" Peter yelled squeakily. "Over here, James!" _

_"He knows where we are, Peter." Sirius snapped, "He's just taking his sweet time getting here is all."_

_Peter stared at the ground, looking red at being rebuffed twice in less than five minutes, but Sirius ignored him. At the moment, all he wanted to do was get out of there and avoid spending a minute with Lily and James. He stood and picked up his books, readying to leave._

_"Sirius, what are you doing?" said Peter in a quiet voice, but Sirius was still not paying attention to him, too busy packing up his things._

_James and Lily reached the group just as Sirius had managed to gather his belongings. _

_"Hello, sorry it took us, I was helping Lily find a book she'd left in the common room last night." James said cheerily, and Sirius bit back the urge to choke him. He felt James' eyes on him, registering that he was standing with all his things in his bag. "Sirius, where're you going?" _

_"I need to do some studying, Prongs, sorry." He said, not bothering to hide the anger in his voice. "Wasted all the free time I had today waiting around here for you." _

_"Look, Padfoot, can't you stick around for a little while? I promise Lily and I will help you study later if you like-"_

_"Yes, Sirius, it wouldn't be a problem at all." Lily said graciously, and the sound of her voice saying his name made his insides turn again._

_"Really, I've got to be going, thanks for the offer, goodbye." Sirius said, and he set off briskly toward the castle. _

_"Wait, Sirius!" He heard James yell, and then there were footsteps behind him. He didn't turn until he felt James' hand catching him on the back, spinning him round._

_"What was that about?" James said, his cheeks flushed from running to keep up with Sirius. _

"_Why'd you have to bring her, James? Why can't we ever just be the four of us anymore?" He demanded angrily. _

_"Look Sirius, I didn't think it'd be that big a problem, I'm sorry, I w-" _

_"Save it, James. I don't feel much like talking." He growled, and pushed James' hands from his shoulder. "I'll see you later." _

_He heard James calling his name again, but eventually it tapered off, and James did not follow again. Sirius didn't stop walking again until he'd reached his dormitory., throwing the door open with a satisfying bang. The sight of Lily pushing James' hair off his face, of their giddy laughter as they held hands, went on infinite loop in his mind. _

_He flicked his wand toward his bedside table as he tossed his bag down, and his potions book tore clean in two in his fit of rage. He threw himself onto the bed and pressed a pillow to his face, roaring a scream of frustration into the down. _

_"Padfoot?"_

_He moved the pillow away, startled, expecting James. But it was only Remus in the corner of the room, leaning against his bedpost. He was looking at Sirius with curious eyes. _

_"Alright Moony, let loose the lecture," Sirius said rolling his eyes. "That's what you're here for, right? Tell me all about how horrible a person I am, go ahead, I look forward to these moments with you."_

_But Moony simply looked at the pieces of his potions book. "Reparo." He said frowning, pointing his own wand at the ruined book, which snapped together instantly. _

_"Well?" Said Sirius sarcastically, "What have you got for me today, Mr. Lupin? What bright words of wisdom can you shed on the situation? What do you think of it?" _

_Moony paused again. "I think you like Lily Evans a bit more than you let on."_

_Sirius stared, dumbstruck, at Remus. He smacked his lips together, his mouth suddenly dry. "What're you saying, Remus?"_

_Again the other boy didn't answer, searching his friends face with intensity.  
_

_"I think," Sirius croaked, "You're a nutter."_

_Remus met his eyes, as if trying to read the emotion behind them. "All right then, Padfoot. I'm wrong." He said quietly without smiling. Still, he did not break his contact with Sirius' eyes, but continued staring.  
_

_After a moment, Sirius had to look away._

- - - - - - - -

_Mid-September 2008_

Harry Potter stood outside a small apartment building in London, doing his best to look as though he was simply taking in the sight of his surroundings. Really, he was trying to think of what he could possibly say to Tawny Weller to explain his need to see her. He wasn't exactly an expert on manners or charms, but he knew enough about them to know that following your introduction with "Who fathered your child?" wasn't exactly appropriate. He wasn't even sure why he was there, or what was causing his heart to pound as he stared at the entrance of the building. Harry Potter was afraid, but he didn't know why.

Finally willing himself into resolve, he took the steps two at a time and buzzed her apartment number.

"Hello?" a female voice called through the intercom.

"Tawny Weller?" He asked.

"Who's this?" The voice on the other end said curiously.

"Well, my name is Harry Potter, I'm here to ask you some things about your daughter Charlie, see I'm not a teacher at her school, but I visited there recently-"

"Come on up." She interrupted him, and the door clicked in front of him. This time, he took the steps slowly, climbing to the third floor with deliberate ease. He wasn't sure what he expected to find in this woman, he only knew he couldn't stop himself from meeting her.

She was waiting in the open door, and when he reached her landing she examined him closely.

"What's the name of my daughter's school?" She said quietly, reminding him forcefully of the old Ministry policy from the Voldemort days. He stifled the urge to answer 'Mollywobbles', thinking it would probably be better to keep that joke to himself.

"Erm, Hogwarts." He answered sheepishly.

"All right then, Mr. Potter." She said with a small smile. "Let's go inside and talk."


	3. The Wedding

Notes: I am just feeling full of creative juices this week. Hopefully I can keep up the pace and wrap this sucker up within a few weeks. I don't own Harry Potter, I get my dates from the Lexicon (a most excellent website that is so brilliantly thorough it is very easy to lose track of time there), yada yada yada. On with the show! Also, I am placing Harry's grandparents deaths at my own whim, (I say grandmother in 1977, grandfather in 1979) since JKR is never specific about when they die (they could have died anywhere from 1976 and 1981) and the same goes for the Evans parents (I'm placing their deaths one after another in early 1981). I am not, however, tampering with their cause of death, as JKR as repeatedly said there was "nothing sinister about it." The Potters' wedding I am putting in 1978, about two years after they got out of Hogwarts and about two years before Harry was born, though they could have been married anywhere between 1976 and 1979.

PS- Thanks for the reviews!

_Mid-September 2008_

Inside Tawny Weller's apartment, it became instantly clear what Neville had said about the woman was right- her daughter Charlie did not resemble her at all. Where Charlie's slim, perfect features and raven colored hair should have been, he found instead a plump face with a nose that was slightly large and curly blond hair that surrounded her face in a bob. The gray eyes of her daughter were replaced instead by dark green ones, and if it weren't for the same lopsided smile on her face he'd seen on Charlie, he would have highly suspected the girl was adopted. But it was more than just her face that made her seem so different from her daughter; the demeanor of Tawny Weller stood in perfect contrast to the younger Charlie. The placid woman had nothing of Charlie's enthusiasm or charisma, and her body seemed slightly clumsy in the awkward, stocky way she stood before him. In fact, where Charlie seemed to possess every attribute Sirius had to offer the world, her mother reminded him more of Molly Weasley (or perhaps Luna Lovegood) than his courageous and headstrong godfather.

"What would you like in your tea, Mr. Potter?" She said kindly as she began to pour him a cup from a steaming teapot.

"Oh, just a little sugar, thanks, Mrs. Weller." Harry said, feeling uncomfortable. "But really you don't have to go to the trouble-"

"It's Ms. Weller, actually." She said as she handed him his cup. "So what can I do for you, Mr. Potter?"

He felt his face go red; he had assumed Weller was her married name, and she'd had Charlie adopt it. It had never occurred to him that she'd never married at all. "Well I just wanted to talk to you a little about Charlie-"

"Has she gotten into trouble again?" sighed Ms. Weller. "They get in touch with me all the time, with those great big owls they send from the school. Some Professor Longbottom, says he's head of her house or something like that, telling me of all the foolhardy things she's doing, showing off for her friends and picking on some poor child named Slytherin."

"That's another one of the houses, actually." He said, baffled.

"What's that?" She said.

"Er, Slytherin. It's a house. They don't get on very well with the Gryffindors, which is where Charlie's at. Never really have." Harry answered, hiding his smile by putting the tea cup to his lips.

"Oh," she said, a frown line appearing between her eyes. "Such funny names for things. I always did think she was a bit rude to the boy on a frequent basis, with a name like that. I suppose that's a little better." She smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry, I'm not really very good at keeping up with all the things that I have to learn about the place, I've never been quite right with details."

"No, no, it's nothing." Harry said. "It's hard for any mu-" he coughed, "Non-magical person to make room for a magical one in their life. It's a different world, really."

She nodded, smiling. "Charlie though, she loves it there, says she fits in. She never really had friends in grammar school. I think she tried to show a few of them how she was... different... and they didn't appreciate it much. She was teased, and she got in a more scraps than I could count. Her marks from the school now, though, are excellent, really good, even if she does get in trouble quite a bit."

Harry nodded back. He could remember a time when he felt the same way as Charlie. "See, I'm not really a full-time teacher, actually-"

"Oh, I know who you are, Mr. Potter." She said smiling. "There are some things Charlie tells me I'm not likely to forget. She talks about you more than nearly anything."

Harry felt himself flush again. "But you asked me if she was in trouble, and what the name of the school was-"

"I know you go to the school from time to time and I thought perhaps she'd done something particularly nasty in your presence, and to be honest, when I asked you the name of the school I was just trying to get a better look at your scar." She said. "To see if you were the real Harry Potter after all."

Harry didn't bother to tell her that with a little bit of Polyjuice Potion, she could have been Harry, too, and appearance meant nothing in the wizarding world. It seemed a moot point at the moment.

"I'm curious, though," she continued, "What a man who saved the world, as I understand it, could want to know about my daughter, if he's not coming to tell me he witnessed something awful from her."

Harry took a breath. "I want to know about her father." He expected the words to take a toll on her, to change her airy demeanor, and was surprised to see her laugh.

"Only if you promise not to judge my daughter on what I say," She said, "And if you promise not to repeat the story to Charlie. She doesn't know yet, and I haven't decided if it's something I can really ever tell her."

"I wouldn't," Harry said quickly, putting his tea cup down on a table. "What was his name?"

She shrugged. "Couldn't tell you. I was a senior at University then, had known him for a few months, sometimes bumped into him in the park to talk. He was clearly quite a bit older than me, probably mid-30s, and he looked like he'd been through Hell and was on his way back. Whenever I asked his name, he just told me it didn't matter. He looked clean enough, not like a vagrant or anything," she said quickly, as though Harry had accused her of flirting with a bum, "and he was kind to me. I always thought he would be a real knock-out if he didn't look like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. One night, while my parents were out, I went to a bar with some friends. I was walking home, a little unsteadily I might add, and there he was, right in the middle of the road. We talked, I think he kissed me... or I could have kissed him, it's been a long time and I don't remember much of the night to begin with. I was young and stupid, so I took him home. I don't suppose wizards and witches do things like that, do they?"

"They might." Harry said, thinking. "And that's all you remember about him?"

"Unfortunately, yes. Like I said, I was young and not always very bright. I made a bad decision, as is bound to happen when one is intoxicated and bumps into a man they know vaguely. I'm just lucky all I got was Charlie. It could have been worse."

Harry was not sure if she meant her bloodline was prone to multiples or she was afraid the partner may have murdered her in bed, but he thought it better not to ask. He picked up his cup of tea again, staring at the cold contents before handing it back to her. When he looked up, she was studying him, and he saw realization dawn on her face.

"Do you know who he is?" Tawny said. The color had drained from her face and it seemed as though the laughter she'd been harboring throughout the afternoon had melted. "Well, do you think you know who he is?"

"I'm not sure," said Harry. "She just... Charlie reminds me of a man I once knew, is all. But I don't know if it would be possible, or anything. I don't see how it could be."

"Well don't you tell him what you think." She said fiercely, suddenly passionate. "I don't want some wizard showing up in my life and taking my daughter away. I may not be magical, so I don't have that to offer to her, but she's everything to me. I raised her without magic and I'll keep doing it without magic. I won't let some sallow misfit in the park take her away."

There was a long moment of silence. "That is one thing you don't have to worry about, Ms. Weller." He said brokenly, unable to keep the emotion from his voice. "The man I knew was dead before Charlie was even born."

Charlie's mother brought a hand to her mouth, apologetic and flushed. "Oh, Mr. Potter, I'm so sorry, really, I didn't, I didn't mean to say anything so rotten, if I had known-"

"You couldn't have."

"But if I had, really I wouldn't-"

"No, it's fine." Harry said, waving her away with his hand. "There's no way you could have, and it was a long time ago."

She busied herself by putting his cup and then hers into the sink, as if she was unable to meet his eyes. After a heavy silence, she turned to him with sad eyes. "No," she whispered, "No, it's not fine. It doesn't matter how long ago it was, that doesn't stop it hurting if he meant something to you." Harry nodded heavily, unable to answer that sentiment.

Finally, it was Tawny who broke the silence. "What was his name?"

- - - - - - - -

_April 1978 _

_The wedding had been perfect. _

_Despite the fact that his hair refused to lie flat, James Potter had looked positively dashing in his expensive black dress robes. Sirius had beamed proudly as he helped to fasten the stately collar on his best friend, smiling at the camera as James' father took as many pictures as his stubborn hands would allow, not even stopping when Mr. Potter had passed the camera to someone who did not suffer from arthritis. _

_"Your mother would be so proud," he said to James, tears welling in his eyes. "She loved Lily so much. If only she were here to see this." _

_James patted his father gently on the back, looking very happy and slightly terrified. Sirius knew that he was worried that Lily would change her mind at the last moment, and Sirius shoved his feelings on the matter as far deep into his gut as he could get them, doing his best to sound genuinely happy as he assured his best friend that it would be a beautiful wedding._

_Lily had looked beautiful, too, as her father, in a muggle suit, walked her slowly down the aisle. She'd chosen not to wear traditional wizarding dress robes, but rather a beautiful dark green dress that exactly matched the color of her eyes. When her father kissed her on the cheek her mother had let out a loud, wet sob from where she was standing. Sirius watched James say his vows carefully and slowly, as though if he slipped on a word Lily would fall out of love instantaneously. She had been more sure, measured and smiling, as she'd repeated her own vows, her eyes shining with unshed tears. At the end, when they'd kissed, the small party roared their approval to high heavens. Even Remus, who looked rather peaky because of the proximity of the event to the full moon, let out of a whoop of excitement as they were wed. _

_"Come here, you!" James cried, pulling Sirius into a tight hug and beaming profusely at him. His grin was loose and easy as he pulled his wife and best friend to his side. "We need a picture, just the three of us! My best man and my best girl. Hey Peter!" He called, his voice booming. "Take a picture will you?" _

_Sirius smiled genially at him, and at the camera as Peter located it and snapped the photo. "It's going to be a great picture, mate." He'd said to James, tousling his messy hair. "Just perfect. You can show that one to the kids, alright." _

_James laughed and as the threesome dispersed, Sirius wandered off, trying to find the place that Peter had put down the Firewhiskey. He could see Lily's father drinking Butterbeer and hiccuping, laughing with Mr. Potter and Peter at something that, in all likelihood, not one of them could identify. Mrs. Evans was chattering with Remus and James, leaning over to smooth James' hair down with tender care. Sirius felt an ache in his heart as she did it, and, with a small pang of victory, located the discarded bottle of whiskey on a patch of flattened grass not far from where Peter had lurked in the bushes earlier. Taking the bottle and finding a path of rocks behind some shrubbery where he was sure no one would see him, he took a large gulp and felt it burn satisfactorily down his throat, numbing the feelings he could not hold down any longer._

_"Mind if I join you?" Lily said, suddenly standing over him. She'd hiked her dress up to avoid the grass and her slender calves and pale knees were showing, a scar just barely visible on her left kneecap. _

_"Why aren't you with James?" He said earnestly, pointing back in the direction of the wedding party. "He's probably missing you by now." _

_She shrugged. "I wanted to see where you'd gotten off to, Sirius. You seem odd today." _

_"I'm not odd, Lily, I'm fine."_

_She crossed her arms. "Sirius, if you are fine, then why are you drinking alone in the bushes where no one can see you?"_

_"Because I'm a lush." Sirius retorted grumpily. _

_"Well then, my alcoholic friend, make room in the grass for one more." She said, nudging him with her foot. _

_"For your information, I am sitting on a very low rock wall, or something like that." _

_"Even better, won't ruin my dress." _

_She perched next to him on the rocks, taking the bottle out of his hand and taking a large swig. "Butterbeer just doesn't have the kick that Firewhiskey's got, you know." She said, wincing as she handed it back to him. He silently took another large drink of the flaming liquid, nodding quietly._

_"Sirius, I know why you're angry." She said quietly, after passing the bottle back and forth for two or three minutes._

_"I told you I wasn't angry."_

_"You were lying and you know it. I've seen the way you look at me." _

_He looked up at her, startled. "You have?" _

_"Yes, I have." She sighed. "It's been the same since we were young, Sirius. Look, I... I genuinely care about you, I think you're one of the most wonderful people I've ever been lucky enough to know, and I know you haven't ever really forgiven me for the way I felt about James before sixth year, and I know you resent me because you think I've stolen him-"_

_"Lily that's not what I think at all!" He barked in surprise. _

_"Really?" She blinked at him, taken aback. "Then what was it?"_

_"It was nothing Lily, nothing at all. I was never mad at you... I could never be mad at you." He added softly. _

_"Oh," She said hurriedly, and then suddenly Lily looked at him differently, as though through a new light. "Oh." She said quietly, and he knew with shame that she had understood what he was saying. "Oh." A strand of hair had fallen in across her shocked face, the tip of it touching her top lip. _

_With great affection, he pushed the strand behind her ear and touched her cheek gently. Her skin felt warm and soft to the touch, and he immediately pulled his hand back as though it had been burned, and set it quickly in his lap._

_"Oh," she said again, as though all the other words in her command had been stripped away from her vocabulary. He looked away from her, unable to meet her eyes. After a moment of excruciating silence, he felt a soft, warm weight on his hand; she had placed her own, slowly and with great deliberation, just above his. With her other hand, she pulled his face towards hers, forcing him to look at her again._

_"Oh, Sirius." She said, as if it were a secret to be kept, a truth only for his ears. He could not tell if it was said in pity or in passion. Her eyes were glittering with some kind of emotion, but her face was unreadable. He didn't know how she felt in this moment, but he suddenly wanted to kiss her, to consummate all the fantasies he'd had for years- _

_And then James voice, loud and booming, broke the silence. "Lily! Sirius!" He called, and they broke apart hurriedly, jumping to their feet. "Lily! Sirius! Where have you to got to!" _

_"Over here," Lily called, waving to her husband. She was smiling again, and all that had been captured on her face only a moment ago had gone, and she looked adoringly at her husband. "Sirius was drinking in the bushes, wanted the Firewhiskey all to himself of course. Thought I'd take a little before the dog lapped it all up himself." _

_Sirius laughed, brushing away whatever it was he was feeling, making it so James would never know. He felt a rush of affection toward the man, his best friend, and a rush of guilt, and he quickly pushed down the second to make room for the first. "You've got some girl on your hands, Prongs." He said robustly. "Some girl alright." _

_James grinned hugely in agreement, kissing Lily on the cheek, and Lily, suddenly vigorous, pulled his face into her hands and kissed him passionately on the mouth. Sirius watched with bright eyes and willed himself to feel nothing but joy, looking at the two of them. He let the happiness he felt for his friend inflate him, not allowing himself to feel the rest of the emotions that fought for air in his gut. _

Let them stay there and burn, _he willed the thoughts_, Let them burn a hole through my stomach before I ever hurt James.


	4. The Promises

Note: DEATHLY HALLOWS SPOILERS IN THIS STORY- please come back later if you're not finished! Thanks for all the reviews, guys! I really appreciate it. One in particular I'd really like to thank is Kitty East- in fanfiction, especially in this particular genre where so many different stories are being added daily, to be _believable_ is a treasure indeed. Thank you so much for that compliment, and I'm very serious when I say that! Also, my apologies for a few typos that appeared in the last chapter, I really should have waited till morning to post the chapter. :p oh well! And to all those who may be reading and not reviewing, please leave me a little note to tell me what you think! I want to improve my writing as much as possible to make it as enjoyable as possible. D

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_Mid-November 1995 _

Sirius Black was examining the pond across the way from Grimmauld Place.

It wasn't very far, perhaps fifteen minutes at the pace of a leisurely stroll, but it wasn't very close to the house either, which meant that no member of the Order would see him here. The men and women who fought gallantly against Voldemort every day didn't have time to spend staring into a small, dirty body of water, or take a casual stroll through a dilapidated playground. But Sirius Black could not join them in their fight, and, as he watched them parading through the house between missions, it felt to him as though he was burning alive thanks to his inaction. With Remus spending most nights doing Dumbledore's work for the order and Molly still giving him the cold shoulder, Sirius was risking his life on these outdoor adventures more than twice a week.

He become increasingly reckless, transforming often in alleyways, walking the streets in plain sight, vaguely hoping to encounter someone he recognized so he could pick a fight to get his blood flowing again. This never happened, and even feeling the wind in his hair instead of in his fur could not stop him from feeling disjointed, disconnected from the world, stuck in limbo between the living and the dead. He counted the days until Harry would come home from Hogwarts, the boy being his only oasis in this desert of absolutely nothing.

Desperate, Sirius had turned to a sort of distant voyeurism with the muggles he encountered, watching them go from one end of the park to the other, imagining their life stories. Most of them gave him a wide berth, eyeing him suspiciously as they hurried past. This never stopped him from staring but rather caused his immaturities to flair, which often lifted his spirits slightly. He found it highly amusing to make the muggles think of him as terrifying. Occasionally, a muggle would join him on the bench with an intensely apologetic look and leave as quickly as they could manage.

Sirius liked this feeling of being a park pariah; it appealed to his most mischievous tendencies. Some days he considered outright playing with the park's other patrons, but decided against it, considering the punishment should a member of the Order ever catch him in the act. Even with his slight fascination in muggle goings on, he never thought of them as separate people. He looked at the people passing him as one large, indistinguishable group, inches in front of him but untouchable. And since they never took an interest in him, he was free to peruse their habits behind the comfortable veneer of a fourth wall of sorts.

He was enjoying this habit one November day when the fourth wall unexpectedly broke.

It was a woman, of course. Could it have been anything other than a woman? He saw her from across the park one day, and she drew him in immediately. It was not her voice or charms, for she hadn't been close enough for him to experience them; it was not beauty either, for she had the homely appearance of a young girl who was just beginning to realize she might be a woman. But even from a distance in the park, two things became very apparent about this girl immediately. The first was that she had dark red hair. The second was that she had dark green eyes.

From that day on in the park Sirius hunted her doggedly, following her whenever she came to the place. He hid behind trees, sometimes transformed into a dog, sometimes casting nonverbal spells to avert her path and force her to stay a little longer. Her hair was obviously colored, and didn't suit her, but it didn't matter to him Each time he saw her he would squint, as if staring at the sun, and for a moment all he could see was a catch of alluring red or the sparkle of dark green in the slit of his nearly closed eye.

When they finally did speak, it was she who initiated it, though with a little help from Sirius. Thinking quickly, he'd conjured a piece of bubblegum into the path of her shoe as she crossed in front of his bench. She'd sighed loudly as she'd heard the squish of it beneath her feet, stopping quickly to examine the bottoms of her shabby green sneakers. And just like that, she'd hobbled over to him.

"Can I sit here?" She'd said to him with a soft smile, indicating the seat next to him.

"Sure." He'd replied, unsure of why he'd wanted this in the first place. Close up, he could see a nose too large for her face and a pair of large, lopsided lips. She was cute enough, in her own quirky way, but did not possess the same kind of effortless beauty Lily had been blessed with, nor her effortless charm.

"I hate getting gum on my shoe," she sighed, "It drives me crazy."

"I'm sure it'll come off," he said distractedly, feeling bored again.

"Yes, but…" she frowned, "I don't… aha!" With a cheer of triumph she pulled the gum clean off her shoe. She smiled at him. "Well, thank you for sharing your bench, Mr…"

She waited for a moment, expecting his name, but Sirius was not tempted to give it. "It doesn't matter." He said indifferently, squinting his eyes again. The benefit to being close to her was being able to see both hair and eye color at the same time.

"I'm Tawny," She offered, obviously trying to flirt. "Tawny Weller. I'm a student at the University close by."

"That's lovely." Sirius deadpanned. "Tell me more about it."

She didn't seem to detect his lack of enthusiasm and shot easily into a lengthy description of her classes. Sirius easily drowned her out, staring at her hair and her eyes in alternating winces until his eyes were watering.

After three weeks, Sirius could no longer explain why he met this girl in the park, why he felt the need to be in the presence of an annoying, albeit very innocent, 21 year old muggle with dyed red hair and cheap tennis shoes. He never listened to a word she said, and everything he told her about himself was a lie. She didn't look like Lily, he said to himself over and over; it was a simple truth he often repeated when trying to break his own habit of being with the muggle girl.

Still, he could not shake the feeling he got when he saw her, the acid feeling in his stomach at the potent double of long red hair and green eyes. The striking combination revived in him emotions he was so sure he'd forgotten how to feel. When he stared at her, he could see, if only for a sliver of a moment, the woman he'd spent so much time loving. The moments this happened left him, a man possessed, unable to explain his own bizarre actions. He only knew that when it did happen, it left him breathless.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

_Sometime 1979_

"_James believes in it, Sirius, and I've got to say I do too." Lily said to him as she gazed out on the city skyline. "We can't just sit back and take what he's doing to the world."_

"_It's dangerous, Lily, is all I'm saying." Sirius replied, leaning back against the hill. "Exceptionally dangerous." _

"_You used to live on danger, Padfoot." She shot back playfully. "What's so different about this?"_

"_Everything! They don't stop at death, Lily. They aim to hurt. I don't want anyone I love to be hurt. I don't want to be hurt. We're only nineteen years old. Are you ready to die, Lily?" _

"_I think I'd rather die than hear you be so melodramatic." She said laughing._

"_Lily, I'm not joking!" Sirius exclaimed. "They won't stop until they do… until they kill you, and everyone you've ever loved. Order of the Phoenix. Why not just call it what it is- a death sentence. They'll hunt you fools down and pick you off, one by one. Why not just go at it on your own? When have the Marauders ever needed anyone?"_

"_That's so much safer, Sirius, you're right. The four of you, lone rangers into the night- I'm sure you'll be able to take down the Dark Lord immediately. For God's sake, Sirius, open your eyes- this is not some backwater movement! Dumbledore is our leader, and he's the most powerful wizard in the world! Everyone is ready, joining up, risking his or her life for the cause. I know you believe in it, I know you do-"  
"I do," he interjected heatedly. "Everyone's got a right to equality, to life."_

"_Then what are you waiting for? You'll die if you try it alone." _

_Sirius frowned. "But they'd never take anything from me." _

"_They'll hurt your family either way." Lily said softly. _

"_I don't care about my family." He said, his eyes burning into her. "They can take care of themselves."_

"_Then what are you worried about, Sirius?" She said genuinely. But she knew. There was a silence between them, untouchable and deep. _

"_Sirius," she said carefully, "Everything- everyone- you love is already risking it. You have nothing to gain by fighting the movement. We strike or we lose. That's the way it's going to be. We can't afford to hesitate- he isn't." _

_Sirius didn't answer immediately. "Do you want me to do it?" He said suddenly, meeting her eyes._

"_Sirius…" she sighed. "This isn't about me, Dumbledore-"  
_

"_I don't give a damn about Dumbledore. Tell me it's what you want, Lily, and I'll do it in a heartbeat." He said, his body rigid, his face serious. "Tell me that you want me to join the fight against Voldemort and I'll sign the contract in my own blood. If this is really what you want, I'll lay my life down for you this moment."_

_He watched her consider this; watched the burden of what he was saying, what he was asking, flicker across her beautiful face. _

"_I want you to, Sirius." She said at last. "I need you to." _

_- - - - - - _

_Late October__2008_

Harry Potter was becoming a father again.

It had been breakfast and he'd been upstairs, straightening his robes for a day at the ministry, when he'd heard the slight tinkling of shattering glass coming from somewhere on the lower level of the house. He'd rushed to the kitchen to find Ginny, clutching her stomach in pain, riding out a contraction.

"I thought it was false labor, till my water broke." She explained through gritted teeth. "We were supposed to have almost three weeks. I've been ignoring it."

_Two_, Harry had wanted to say. _Less than two weeks_, _Gin_. But he held his tongue and scrounged around his pockets for his wand to clean away the glass.

"Take a breath, Gin, we'll just floo into St. Mungo's- James Sirius Potter, you know better than to touch that." He said sharply to his four-year-old son, who'd been poking curiously around the site of the broken glass with a socked foot, staring at his reflection in the shards of the teacup. Harry scanned the kitchen for Albus and saw him, still clutching the spoon for his cereal loosely in his hand, but watching his father with a wide-eyed expression caught between terror and wonder.

"It'll be fine, Al," he said, swinging his youngest son away from his chair and holding him close to his hip and waving his wand with his free hand. "The glass is going away, see?"

"Is Mummy alright?" Albus said in a whisper, looking at his mother as she whimpered her way through another contraction.

""Mummy's okay, but she's having the new baby for you and James to play with." Said Harry soothingly, "She's going to be fine, I promise. We just have to get in touch with Grandma and Grandpa, and Uncle Ron and Aunt Hermione, that's our first problem. Then we've got to find Uncle Charlie, since he'll be looking after you."

"All right! Is Teddy coming?" yelled James. "I hope it's a boy like Teddy, I don't want a _girl_ in the house."

"Is Rosie going to come to play?" Albus said, his little face lighting up as he began squirming out of his father's arms.

"Rosie's going to be here with Hugo, and ask Uncle Charlie, James," he said quickly, putting his son down, but his attention was on Ginny. "How far apart are they, Ginny?"

"Not far." She said, looking flushed. "Six, maybe seven minutes?"

"Ginny!" he exclaimed, alarmed. "How long had you been ignoring them, exactly?"

She opened her mouth to protest but he was already leaning toward the fireplace, sticking his head in to yell for Molly.

- - - - - -

"It's a girl!" Harry yelled, beaming strongly at Ron, Hermione, Mr. Weasley, and Mrs. Weasley. Mrs. Weasley screamed in delight and threw her arms around him instantly.

"Her name?" She shrieked, holding Harry's cheeks.

"Lily Minerva Potter. " he said proudly, and everyone simultaneously exclaimed their delight before Mrs. Weasley went rushing off to find a way to contact George and the rest of the family, dragging Mr. Weasley behind her as he yelped his congratulations at Harry.

"Congrats, mate," said Ron joyfully, clapping his best friend on the back. "Welcome to the world of constant worry. Rosie's only three and she keeps me up at night thinking of all those boys she's going to meet."

"Ron, once again you manage to impress me with your crude sense of things." Hermione said rolling her eyes, but she too was glowing at Harry, tears lining her cheeks.

Less than two hours later they had jammed as many people as they could fit into the ward, blatantly ignoring the rules of the hospital as the nurses looked blissfully the other way.

"She's beautiful, Harry." whispered Bill, everyone careful not to wake the baby, or her resting mother, as they peered down into the tiny face.

Harry murmured his agreement as he looked at his daughter, already with a shock of bright red hair on her head. She pursed her tiny lips, sucking at air in her sleep.

"We're going to make you a jokester," George whispered into her tiny face, smiling. "Uncle George will teach you all about laughing."

The family chuckled softly together and Harry handed the baby to Molly carefully, whose face became so consumed with flaming happiness that she looked slightly insane. He watched with a kind of tired joy as the baby was handed from hand to hand around the room, everyone cooing their blessings to the newest addition to their extensive family.

As Harry watched his little daughter, so young and yet already so loved, he could not help but think of Charlie Weller, born into a world with only a mother and a father she'd never know, and then of Sirius, whose family had never loved him at all. He could not understand, looking at his own children, how anyone could not face this particular challenge in life with anything but sheer ecstasy.

He shook his head to clear the thoughts away, but he knew that he was only putting them in another place, to be saved for another day. He was not ready to forget Charlotte Weller, but for the moment, he had eyes only for Lily Minerva Potter.


	5. The Meaning of Life

Note: DEATHLY HALLOWS blah blah. Dude, if you're all the way to Chapter 5 and you haven't realized it yet, I'm not going ot keep saying it. Oh, and I don't own Harry. Boo hoo! As this chapter is the first time I've really been able to address the entire extended Weasley family, I took a few liberties in the number of children. I've always imagined most of them having three or more, since it's in the Weasley blood to have copious amounts of children. That being said, there is every possibility I missed a JKR interview and I'm crossing canon. However, this is a fanfiction. In the case I have missed something, I apologize if my mistakes offend anyone. I used all the information I knew for sure, but this is still my story so please don't be angry if I've changed details! And thanks for the reviews!

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_December 2008_

It was Christmas dinner at the Burrow, and as always it was a time of extreme chaos and noise. In these past years, when the number of grandchildren and family friends had reached astronomical proportions, Molly and Arthur Weasley had begun to rent a small tent to put up every year in order to hold the holiday meal. Together, the adults would prepare huge feasts for the massive extended family they became when joined, the fathers using magic to heat the tent and set the tables, the mothers following Molly Weasley's careful supervision in the preparation of the meal. They would seat the children based on age and try to keep the noise level to a minimum, distributing the food as quickly as possible and sending tentative young ones across the room to present gifts.

As the night wore on, and the guests began to leave, the fathers took on the task of whisking the children away upstairs whenever they nodded at the tables or began to cry, placing them gently in one of the many sleeping bags that littered the floors in several of the bedrooms. Since Harry's childhood, The Weasley family home had been expanded to accommodate the extensive family traffic they received, but the house still felt as though it were crammed to the absolute brink, about to explode. The only difference was the number of small, redheaded children that needed a soft place to sleep had multiplied exponentially.

"So Harry," Ron whispered to his best friend as he finished tucking in Hugo, "Have you gotten to the bottom of that thing with Sirius yet?"

"Outside." Harry said, and then pressed a finger to his lips, gesturing to their snoozing children and then to the door. Lily had finally been sleeping for more than fifteen minutes at a time and he had no intention of dealing with Ginny's wrath at waking her.

The two men climbed down to the first floor of the house, encountering George and his six-year-old son Fred struggling in front of the stairs.

"Fred Arthur Weasley, I've told you before, if you want to stay up and eavesdrop on the adults, you can't just use the Extended Ears haphazardly, you have to keep out of sight and stay alert. Grandma knows all the tricks by now." George sighed, pulling his son upstairs by the collar of his shirt. "Now you'll have to go to bed like the rest of the children."

"But Dad!" Fred whined, struggling against his father. "Why won't _you _just let me stay up?"

"Because if I do, Grandma will put _me_ to bed," replied George. "Not to mention what your mum will do to me. Now come on, if you stop giving me such a fight I'll disguise a puking pastille for you to give to Uncle Percy tomorrow-" George suddenly directed his voice up the stairs- "and that goes for you too, Georgie, so why don't you give up crouching in the corner and come down here with your brother."

A little redhead girl appeared suddenly on the landing, dragging her feet to meet her father and twin at the base of the steps.

"Alright, but I want a Nosebleed Nougat, and I want to give it to Aunt Fleur." She said sullenly. "She always calls me Georgia Molly in her dumb Frenchy voice, and she tells me I act like a little boy and she always tries to braid my hair all the time."

"I don't know about that one, love." George laughed as he ruffled her curls. "Uncle Bill might not appreciate it." He swept his little daughter off her feet and into his arms, took Fred by the hand, and together the three disappeared from view as they went up the stairs.

Ron and Harry crossed through the kitchen, full of dishes being magically scrubbed by a handful of chattering women. Eight-year-old Victoire sat at the table in her nightgown while her mother braided her long blond hair. Her younger sisters, Esme and Belle, watched solemnly from across the table with their own hair already tucked tightly into place.

"Hello 'Arry, Ron." Fleur said cheerfully as she finished her daughter's long plaits. She stood up from her seat and her pregnant stomach was revealed as she pulled away from the table. "Come along girls," she said to her daughters, speaking to them rapidly in French as they headed toward the bedrooms.

"I should learn the language one of these days," said Bill, who was levitating more dirty dishes into the kitchen. "I always get the feeling they're thinking up ways to spend my money behind my back."

"How many more months, Bill?" Said Harry, pushing the chairs of the table back in to place. "Four?"

"Three," Bill said smiling. "But Fleur would kiss you for thinking she's only five months gone. I'm hoping this one's a boy, but don't tell Fleur I said it. She's got the name for her fourth daughter already picked out."

Harry and Ron both laughed as they headed out the kitchen door toward the tent. Though a path had been cleared in the snow, the cold winter air still whipped through their sweaters despite their thickness, and both pulled their collars past their chins to cover their mouths. Inside, Percy was helping his father remove the decorations and any furniture left by the party. Charlie was levitating large piles of debris from the floor into an assortment of rubbish bins and garbage bags. He was standing very rigidly to keep from waking his sleeping son, who was strapped to his chest in a baby sling. Younger even than Lily, Newt was only a few weeks to this world and refused to sleep anywhere but within the comfort of one of his parents' arms.

"How's it going, Charlie?" Ron whispered, gesturing toward the baby. "Feeling heavy yet?"

"This is nothing," Charlie whispered back. "When we first came home with him Opal kept insisting that I carry _her_ and her mum carry Newt. Luckily, the terrible two type jealousy has somewhat subsided."

"He really shouldn't have been out here," Percy said reproachfully. "You should have left him with Mary. Penelope would have killed me if I let any of the kids outside in this weather when they were babies."

"It's not like I've buried him in the snow, Perce." Laughed Charlie. "He's fine where he is."

"If you would just let me-" Percy began.

"Let me take him inside," interrupted Arthur, smiling at his newest grandchild. "I'll make sure he's got a bubble charm to keep him warm."

He took the small bundle from Charlie's purse-like accessory, cast the charm, and headed out the tent.

"You're still the same freak you've always been, Percy, you know that?" Charlie said as he began to move the trash to the door. "Now help me with this, will you?"

Percy gave a loud sigh and began to haul the trash outdoors with his laughing older brother.

"So," Ron said as he plopped down in a chair and watched Harry cleaning the remaining scraps of junk from the floor, "What happened with her?"

Harry quickly recapped the story of visiting Tawny's apartment for the first time again, though Ron had already heard it. This was followed by the descriptions of the next three times he had visited. He ended with the last, which had only been a few days prior. "She keeps saying she'd never known his name, that he'd never told her." Harry said sighing.

"And when you went back and showed her the picture from the Order?"

"She couldn't tell if it was really him. Said it could have been, but she wasn't sure, since it was so long ago and the man she'd known was so much older."

"And there are no pictures of Sirius from after he was arrested." Finished Ron for him. "I'm sorry mate, but it looks like you'll never know."

"I'm not ready to give up yet." Harry said fiercely. "There are still people to talk to, people from Hogwarts-"

"Who? Harry, McGonagall and Flitwick are gone, and Hagrid's getting up there, and I can't for the life of me think of who else might have known. Lupin's dead, too. Who else is there?"

Harry reached into his pocket and pulled out two pictures, holding them to Ron's face. "You've seen her, Ron. Look at her again, and look at him, and tell me again it's just a coincidence and I shouldn't worry about it."

"Harry…" Ron shook his head. "You're carrying her picture around too, now? I know you'd always had the one of the Order on you, but I don't think her mother would have given that to you if she knew what you were doing with it. It's kind of creepy."

Harry shoved the pictures back in his pocket and turned his back on Ron. "You don't get it, you couldn't. I have to know. I'm almost positive he's her father but I have to know for sure… I have to know more."

"Why does it matter so much? Just… just hold on to what you've got, Harry. You might not like what you find out."

"I just need to know Ron, why he did it. I can't explain. I'm sure he did, I'm sure of it, but why?"

Ron studied his best friend, seemingly searching for words. "What if there wasn't a reason, at all?"

"There's got to be a reason."

"Well, Harry… how are you going to feel if the only reason he had was she was wasted, and he had the opportunity?"

"Ron, Sirius could never…" But Harry trailed off.

"If you didn't know he could be a father, mate, what else could you not know about him?"

"I don't care what it is. I can't live my life not knowing another person I loved."

There was silence for a minute or two, and then Ron, as he seldom was, was serious. "But Harry, what if you find out the person you loved didn't exist at all?"

Harry did not respond, but gathered the garbage bags he'd been working on and left the warmth of the tent into the dark and cold.

- - - - -

_Late-November 1995_

"What do you think is the meaning of life?"

Sirius raised his head to look at the source of the question, though he already knew who'd posed it. Next to him, Tawny Weller had plopped on to the bench, smiling a lopsided grin of hello at him.

"What do you mean, what's the meaning of life?" he said curiously. Mostly, her questions were silly, or flirtatious, but this one intrigued him.

"Just what I said. What do you think is the meaning of life? I mean, for me I think it's laughter. The whole point of life is just to laugh, and be happy, and never stop no matter what happens to us." She chattered.

He paused for a moment, studying her quietly, seeing someone else. "Love." He said simply. "The meaning of life is love."

She blushed and looked away, and he realized he'd been staring. "Tawny, I'm sorry I didn't mean-"

"I know." She said, bubbly and red in the face. "You were just getting all intense again, going to that place where nobody can talk to you anymore. Staring at me. It makes me _so _uncomfortable."

"I am sorry." He said sincerely. He liked Tawny. Her sweetness and naivety made for an excellent escape from the gloom of Grimmauld Place. He did not love her- partially because she was young, partially because she was not at all his type, and partially, he knew, because he would ever love anyone again- but she had become a good friend to him, despite the fact she did not know anything about his real identity.

Tawny was quiet and still blushing, her eyes screwed up as she looked at the lake. "Where are you going, anyway, when you do that?"

"Nowhere, Tawny. I'm still sitting right here."

"I don't believe you," she said. "You get so lost in yourself sometimes, you have to go somewhere."

She sounded so like a petulant child that Sirius wanted to laugh. She reminded him sometimes of Harry, the headstrong way she insisted upon everything she said, her definitive opinion on all subjects. He felt a fatherly affection to her during these times, much as he did to Harry.

"I'm just…" But Tawny interrupted him.

"Who was she?" Tawny said suddenly.

"Who was who?"

"The girl you loved, of course."

"No more questions, Tawny, I'm not going to answer."

"So you did!" She said slightly triumphantly.

Sirius turned away from her again. "I didn't love a girl."

"I'm calling your bluff on that one. You loved a girl; maybe it was a long time ago, but you loved one just the same."

Sirius sighed. "I loved a girl." He admitted, and said no more. She seemed to accept this, and even seemed happy he had said as much as he did.

"One last question," she said quietly, staring at him with shining eyes.

"Alright. One more."

'Do you believe in magic?"

This time, Sirius could not hold in his laughter.

- - - - - -

_Mid 1979 _

"_I think we should stop being so close." Sirius said quietly. The Marauders had reunited for a Sunday dinner at the Potter residence, and Sirius had found himself alone in the kitchen cutting vegetables for Lily as Peter, Remus, and James went out to buy butterbeer and dessert to be served after the meal. _

"_What?" said Lily in surprise, looking up from the pot she'd been carefully stirring._

"_I just think it would be better." _

"_After all these years, Sirius, all the years you couldn't stand me, the days you would be so stubborn and awful about it, and we've finally got a friendship and you just want to give up?" She snorted, pushing the spoon back into the pot, looking angry. _

"_Lily, please, just understand-"_

"_I can't say I understand, Sirius-"_

"_You do!" He roared, his voice trembling. "You know exactly why I'm saying this!"_

_She looked at him as though wounded. "It's just a crush, Sirius. It'll pass." She said quietly. "There are so many other girls out there for you."_

"_I don't want them," He said, pulling his hair away from his face. "I just want you."_

"_I'm married." She said dully. "I'm married to your best friend."_

"_I know. That's exactly why we can't be so close, Lily. I love him just as much as I love you." _

_She didn't answer, and he turned, hands shaking, back the cutting board. He could not stop the movement in his knuckles and, within minutes, he'd slipped. Crimson blossomed from the index finger of his left hand and he gasped sharply, pulling his finger away and clutching it tightly in his other hand. _

"_Let me see," Lily said softly, coming to his aid. "Is it deep?"_

"_I don't know," he said through clenched teeth. "But it hurts like hell."_

_She pulled his hand away gently, looking at his finger. "It's just broken the surface a little, I think." She said. "Let's run it under the water."_

_She led him to the sink and began to run the water, which turned pink under the stream. "Hold it there and let me get my wand to fix it up better." She said, bustling into the next room. He wanted to tell her to keep her wand on her always, to scold her on her casual manners in such a dangerous era, but he decided it wasn't the time. _

"_Here," she said, suddenly returning, as she pointed her wand at his finger. He winced as the cut closed up. "Sorry if that hurt a little."_

"_It's fine." He said brusquely, trying to pull his hand away from the sink as quickly as possible. "Thanks."_

"_Sirius, let me see it, I want to make sure it's alright." _

_Lily took his hand, looking at it closely. The warmth from her fingers made his hand go pleasantly numb. Yet again his need for her was overwhelming, and he wrenched his hand out of her grasp._

"_I can't be like this with you, Lily." He murmured. "I'm sorry, I wish it was different, I would give anything for it to be different… I meant every word I said months ago, when we talked about the Order. You mean everything in the world to me…"_

"_Sirius-" She began quietly._

"_No, Lily, it's got to be like this. You know I'll never stop caring about you, and it'll kill me acting like I'm your friend, being so close to you, and never being close enough. I can't keep being the only one." _

"_Sirius-" she tried again, and he could see she was shaking. _

"_Lily?" Sirius said, his anger disappearing. _

_She opened and closed her mouth several times, as though she were a fish, and finally could not look at him any more. "Let's finish dinner." She said at last, pointing back toward the food they'd left abandoned for a moment._

_Sirius shook his head, willing himself to stop thinking she had been readying herself to say anything more. "Alright," he said. And just like that, the moment between them had passed, and they felt like strangers once more. _


	6. The Only One

Note: Yada yada yada, Get my info from Harry Potter Lexicon and some crazy math and maybe a few writer's liberties, and I do not own Harry Potter. Thanks for all the reviews, and I'm sorry that I didn't get a chance to personally respond to all of them- I'm going away to college on Saturday and I really wanted to get this chapter, and possibly Chapter 7, up before I leave! But I do appreciate them, more than anything, Thank you thank you thank you!!

(Oh and PS- Kudos to Lexie-H for noticing my typo in Chapter 4, you're the first! I'll be going back and fixing that as soon as possible!)

- - - - - -

_Mid 1979_

"_So…" Lily said, brushing her hand against the wall, touching the mahogany of the paneling. "This is where you live, Sirius?"_

_Sirius was balancing himself on the banister, watching Lily and James explore his apartment."Well, this is where I'm going to live. Dumbledore reckons I should relocate, now that Regulus is joined up with the Death Eaters."_

_"I thought you hadn't talked to your family in years." Lily said, frowning. "How'd he know where you lived?"_

_"Mailed him a letter once. Tried to get him to change his mind about all the rubbish and lies my parents had been feeding him- and me."_

_"What, your mum didn't send you a Howler as a reply?" James joked laughingly._

_"Actually she sent me one a week, but I just rigged my windows to eat her owls when they came by." He retorted sarcastically. Lily rolled her eyes and James laughed harder._

"This is a nicer place anyway, Sirius. I never understood why you liked the other one so much." James said when he'd recovered.

_"I don't know, it had a charm to it." Sirius said shrugging. Lily glanced up at him as he said it, and quickly looked back._

_Lily knew, of course, that Sirius had chosen his previous flat because it had been close to where Lily had grown up, but Sirius saw no need to tell James that. In truth, Sirius had not been asked to relocate by Dumbledore. He could not stand to be so close to Lily's old home and think of her so constantly. Since a few weeks prior, when he had been so forceful about ending their close friendship, Lily and Sirius had not spent a minute alone together. She had been cordial to him, the perfect picture of a woman who'd married into a relationship, instead of the friend she'd been to him before he'd said it. A part of him regretted the change deeply, and an opposite part of him knew it was best. He wasn't sure yet which part would win out._

_Sirius leaped from his seated position and walked to the window, standing beside James, but staring at Lily out of the corner of his eyes. The heat of the summer caused small beads of sweat to form on her body and he watched one roll from her neck to her tanned shoulders. His eyes traveled over her damp hair and perspiring face as she let out a loud breath. James suddenly clapped loudly in Sirius' ears._

_"Hello, Sirius, this is your good friend James, bringing you back to the living." He said chuckling, staring at Sirius' bewildered face. "We're so glad we could revive you. You trailed off there for a minute."_

_Sirius laughed shakily. "Just thinking about all the money I'll have to spend filling this place with furniture. Hope you don't mind sitting on cardboard boxes and stacks of old _Prophets_ when you come to visit."_

_James laughed again and Lily looked up at the two men as though she'd been examining the floor. Her hands were stuffed in her pockets and she looked uncomfortable. _

"_Do you mind if I go to the bathroom?" she said hastily to Sirius. _

_He shrugged. "Sure, don't see why not. It's at the end of the hallway, past the bedroom." _

_She nodded and walked away. _

"_So it's good, Padfoot. Really good." James said, patting him on the back. _

"_I think so too." Sirius returned the gesture of affection on his friend. He was glad to have James, even if he was not sure if he was able to pay the price required to have him._

_The friends talked vivaciously together, laughing uproariously and being generally boisterous, before Lily returned. She looked even more flushed than she had before she'd gone and Sirius thought she looked a bit peaky. _

"_Well we should go, Sirius." She said coolly. "It's a while to our flat." _

"_Yes, I suppose we should." said a dejected James, following his wife after a short embrace from Sirius. "See you at the next meeting, Padfoot. Enjoy the new place." _

_Lily did not turn to say goodbye at all but headed out the entrance of his apartment, James right behind her. When they'd left, Sirius felt a stab of regret at her demeanor. He tore down the hallway at breakneck speed, not bothering to bottle his emotions as he let out a guttural cry of frustration. He stormed into his bedroom, seizing pillows off his bed and throwing them at the walls, ripping sheets off the mattress and flinging them around the room. When he was done, feathers from the down in his pillows clung stubbornly to his loose hair and the room was a mess. _

_He was about to leave completely when he saw it, lying on the floor, bright and white against the wood planks: a letter, folded neatly in thirds, trapped underneath a large mutilated pillow. Curious, he pried it carefully from under the feathers. _

_It was written in beautiful loopy script, feminine and flowery- Lily's writing. On it was only one sentence, contained within the center of the page, like a promise buffered by miles of silence. It left Sirius feeling torn, unsure of whether to laugh or cry, as he read it ten times quickly and fell backwards onto his sheet less bed. He clutched it firmly to his chest, memorizing it, willing to the simple phrase to be tattooed to him, right above his heart._

"You aren't the only one."

_- - - - - -_

_Early December 1995_

Within the walls of Grimmauld Place, Sirius woke gasping. Snow fell in thick currents outside, fogging the one grimy window that usually did little more than give him a tiny taste of sunlight. He looked around wildly, his face a mask of terror, before realizing swiftly he was alone. Not even Remus was staying in the house tonight, and it was silent save his own labored breathing. He stood, hearing the floorboards creak beneath his feet, and put on a robe before shuffling dimly downstairs to the kitchen. He'd been dreaming of Lily again. This time she'd been under water, her hair streaming as though a million miles long. She'd looked unreal, her hair brighter than it ever had been, her emerald eyes sparkling so much he had trouble looking at her. He was swimming behind her, clumsy and oafish, poorly coordinated, doing his best to keep up with her smooth, graceful form. She'd winked at him and curled her finger, beckoning him to come forward, but he was not fast enough to catch her. Still, he'd pushed onward, until his lungs felt as though they might give out, until his body forced him to the surface for air, and she disappeared into the dark water in front of him...

He sank wearily onto a chair at the kitchen table, stroking his hair and lazily waving his wand to produce a firewhiskey. The kitchen was cold and dim, but he did not bother to make a fire. Lily's half-smile and gently curled finger danced past his eye-lids in the early morning dark. Christmas was coming, but he took no pleasure in the fact. Like any other day, alone in Grimmauld Place with only a deranged house-elf for company, Sirius would pass the holiday in misery. He closed his eyes for a moment to savor the dream-Lily's haunted wink, but found he could not recall the way it had looked to him. He reached into the pocket of his robe, pulling his picture of Lily, with a baby Harry, away from the cloth. James' legs lingered in the corner of the picture while Harry zoomed in and out on a toy broomstick. He ran a finger over her smiling face, feeling older than he'd ever felt before.

"Now I really am the only one, Lily." He said sadly to the picture. But Lily only smiled.

- - - - -

_Mid-March 2009_

Harry Potter had kept visiting Tawny Weller, though in secret since January; Ron's reaction had led him to decide to keep the meetings to himself. He could not bring himself to admit that he wasn't ready to let go, that it was not Tawny but Charlie who brought him back again and again. He'd stay for hours to listen to the stories the little girl had told her mother and, though Tawny seemed a little disapproving, the tales delighted Harry in their similarity to his mischievous Godfather.

He knew by now Tawny would never be able to tell him whether it had been Sirius who had fathered her child. She'd apologized numerous times, blaming a faulty memory and the short time in which she'd known the man, but Harry did not fault her for this. He had made mistakes in his life himself, not the least of which lead to Sirius' death, and so his frustration at not knowing from Tawny if Sirius had been the man she'd known had quickly dissipated. Harry had chosen to believe that Sirius was Charlie's father; it was the why that still haunted him. And though this was something Tawny could never give him, even if she could definitively name Sirius, he took a certain comfort in talking to the woman. To think that Sirius was existing, somewhere, in some part of the world, even if only through the headstrong antics of a 12 year old girl, was a balm to Harry's long standing wounds that had never quite closed.

He'd visited Charlie once again, too, on the pretext of calling upon Neville. When Neville's first class of the day stormed into his greenhouse, he'd slipped quietly out the door, sprinting to the castle to see Charlie's Defense Against the Dark Arts class. She'd been magnificent then, her long black hair tied in a loose pony tail, her face determined. She'd correctly identified the three jinxes their teacher put before them and managed to disarm her assigned partner before, it seemed to Harry, he could even think the words.

He'd tried to slip out of the classroom before the girl could notice, but she was upon him in a second he'd gone out the door.

"Mr. Potter!" she cried eagerly, and he could hear her footsteps running to catch up with him. She smiled at him when he turned backwards.

"Hello, Charlie." Said Harry. "You were excellent in class there."

"Really?" She said, glowing. For a moment her effortless demeanor slipped, and she was an eager little girl. "It means a lot, coming from you. Why aren't you giving lectures today?"

"Oh, just dropped in to say hello to a few friends." Said Harry, feeling sheepish.

"What were you doing in my DADA class?" asked Charlie.

"I just..." He struggled for an answer. "Well I'd remembered you from my last visit and wanted to have a look. Would you like to see something interesting?" He'd hastily added, trying to distract her, filled with a sudden idea he could not suppress.

"Oh, alright." She said. He pulled the picture of the first Order of the Phoenix out of his pocket, careful not to take the picture of Charlie, smiling outside her apartment building, with it.

"You know what this is, do you?" He said, noticing the look of barely contained joy on her face.

"It's the one of the Order from the First War, from when your parents were in it, isn't it?" She said excitedly. "You mentioned it in one of your lectures, that you always keep it with you."

He handed the old, yellowing picture to her, his heart pounding, and she took it as gingerly as if it had been made of glass. He watched her peruse the picture slowly, her wand flicking over it ever now and then to make the rows move.

"These two look like Professor Longbottom," she said, pointing at the photograph. "Especially the lady, she's all round like him."

"Those are his parents, yeah." Said Harry, gazing at the ghostly faces of Alice and Frank Longbottom.

"Professor Longbottom said they're gone now." She said in a hushed voice, looking at Harry solemnly. "He said that a lot of the people who fought Voldemort in the Wars are gone now."

She dropped her face back to the photograph, and he watched with great trepidation as she reached the last row. Over her small shoulder the faces of Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs, Lily among them, gazed happily out of the frame.

"Those are your parents, aren't they?" She said, her finger hovering over Lily and James. "And that one's Remus Lupin, we learned about him in Defense Against the Dark Arts, how he was a teacher here, how he was an inspiration to the Werewolf Rights cause..." She frowned, suddenly, trailing off, and Harry knew she'd seen Sirius.

"Who's this?" She said, pointing to him. "He looks... Like I've seen him in a book or something." She said the last part quickly, and it seemed to Harry as though it was not what she'd originally been thinking.

"That's Sirius Black," He said carefully. "He was my Godfather."

She was silent for a moment, studying him. "He died, didn't he? In the Second War. In the Battle of the Department of Mysteries."

Harry smiled. "I don't think you've been learning all of that in school just yet."

"I read a lot." She said quietly. "About the Wars and all. Maybe because I would have been rounded up like all those other Muggle-borns if I'd been old enough back then... Mr. Potter, what was this man like?"

"He was a great man." Harry said. "The best man I knew."

"Did he..." She said, her voice even quieter, "Did he do a lot of good for the world? Did he fight?"

"Yeah." Harry said, his voice equally low. "He was a fighter, all right. Couldn't stand to sit around and do nothing. He gave his life to save mine."

Her mouth was open as though she wanted to say more, ask more, but she seemed afraid of something, running her finger of Sirius' handsome face, so like her own. "Was he a Gryffindor?" She said finally, sounding hopeful.

"The first in his family." He said, watching her fingers fly over Sirius. "A Gryffindor right to the end."

A Professor Harry did not recognize came out of a doorway, calling down the hallway, asking Charlie what she was doing in the corridor between classes.

"Here." She said, trying to hand him back the picture. "Thank you for letting me look at it."

"No, it's yours." Harry said suddenly, knowing somehow it was the perfect idea. "Keep it."

"But-" She said, shocked. "I couldn't, it means so much to you! Your parents!"

"I've got other pictures of my parents, don't worry about it. I think it'll mean more to you."

Charlie looked down on the photograph, staring at Sirius. "Oh, Mr. Potter_, thank you." _she said, flushed, but her teacher was still calling and she rushed off hastily, eyes shining.

"It was nice seeing you, Charlie." he whispered after her retreating form, and the girl, hearing him, raised her hand in a slight wave, still looking shocked. The gift of the picture felt somehow right, strengthened his sureness in her paternity. After all, he really did have other pictures of his parents, even Sirius. But Charlie did not. Harry would never tell Charlie that he thought Sirius was her father; that would be Tawny's job, if she believed what Harry did; this meant Charlie might never think of him as a father at all. But, Harry thought as he set off back toward the greenhouses, if he could not make Sirius Charlie's father, he could, at the very least, make Sirius Charlie's hero.


	7. The Blushing Pilgrims

Note: HP Lexicon, I don't own Harry Potter. Important Note: I have noticed a few of you being like "WTF up with Harry? He's a creep!" And to that I say, yes, yes he is. See, personally, and I LOVE Harry (in fact he is among my top five favorites) but I always find him to be a bit dogged in his pursuit of things, and this frequently makes him look like, for lack of a better word, an utter psycho to those around him. To me, he doesn't usually think, "Man, I must look sketchy doing this!", he simply does it. That is why I've made him so creepy. After reading the books over again before attempting this fanfiction, and seeing his obsessive nature all over again, (Book 6 with Malfoy and Book 7 with the Hallows/Godric's Hollow come to mind especially) I can only assume he would be no less consumed with a problem of this nature. After all, Sirius meant a lot to him, and any sign that Sirius had secrets he didn't know would have inflamed him. Look at the way he felt about Dumbledore when that book came out, it tore him apart. I am not saying this to be like "RAWR back off!" I'm saying it so I can better explain why I chose to portray certain characters the way they are. I would be happy to do this for any other character in question. And I appreciate any feedback, even disagreements over my writing, always! Thank you for the reviews, again! (PS- 10 points to anyone who understands this chapter title, and 50 to anyone who can correctly identify why I'd called Charlie Weasley's kids Newt and Opal. I was a little sad no one seemed to notice, and I SLAVED over those. Ha.)

- - - -- - - -

_December 1995_

"I brought you this."

Tawny Weller held out a small brown parcel to Sirius Black as she stood before him, breaking him away from his thoughts as he stared into the frozen abyss of the murky park pond.

"Tawny," he said sighing, "you really shouldn't have-"

"It's a comb." She said seriously. She dumped the package into his lap and he felt himself steel up before she broke into giggles. "Okay, just kidding! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. It's not a comb. It's better, I promise."

Sirius was still hesitating, feeling suspicious of the muggle girl's kind smile. Though he was clean and fed, this was probably the nicest that could be said for him. He still had the air of incarceration clinging to him, the emaciated, haunted look that might never leave, and he could not understand for the life of him why she didn't run screaming at the sight of his skeletal face. But his curiosity got the best of him, and he tore into the packaging paper haphazardly. Inside was a box, plain and black, carrying nothing more than several large silver rings, laying on top of eachother. He looked at her, perplexed.

"They're magic!" She said enthusiastically, taking them from their box. "Look, watch-"

She held the rings in front of her, the three of them spread out so he could see them, making a show of passing them back and forth in front of her face one by one. She tapped each on the bench and on each other, and he heard the metal clink to prove their solidity.

"Three rings, and-" She put all three behind her back, and with a look of fierce concentration, produced the three, suddenly linked together, in a matter of seconds in front of him. He laughed appreciatively. "Tada!" She giggled, letting him touch the solid rings, now a chain.

"How'd you do that?" He said, feeling giddy for the first time in months, possibly years.

She winked. "A true magician never tells her secrets."

"Oh, come on!" He said, laughing. "You've got tell me, it's excellent to see mu- er, magic. My friend Arthur'd go nuts for this."

She smiled. "Alright then, if only for Arthur."

She sat on the bench, and again produced the rings- except instead of the three he'd seen, there were now four, and one was not linked to the others. "See this one," She said, pointing to one at the end, "This one's got a teeny clasp, see? I hid it behind my hand. And this one," she said, pointing to the fourth unconnected, "Was never attached at all, I hid it behind the chain. These two," She said, gesturing to the last, "were never not connected, I hid that from the get-go, too. You've just got to be sure you've got your handwork down."

He grinned. "That's really clever, that is. Do you know a lot of these things?"

She blushed. "Actually, this is the first I've ever learned. I thought of it after we'd talked last time. Thought it might cheer you up."

"Well, it did." He said, taking the rings to look them over. "All that clasping and hiding for some simple rings... really clever."

She smiled again, looking peaceful. He was happy to see that she no longer seemed interested in flirting with him, and had become more comfortable in his presence. He too, took comfort in the girl, though he did not see Lily in her anymore. Though, like Lily, she was full of life and spirit, she was bouncy, flighty, and free in contrast to the focused and brilliant girl he'd loved. Her red hair was still long and loose, and her eyes were still green, but she could only be Tawny to him now. She was not Lily.

It was nearly pitch black in the park, and Sirius knew if someone came to call late, as they sometimes did, he would be caught in the act of freedom, a risk he could not take. He quickly bade goodbye to Tawny, jogging the little ways back to Grimmauld Place with the rings in his hands. The smile was still on his face as he crept past his silent mother to his bedroom upstairs.

"Where were you?" drawled a voice from the hallway. Sirius felt as though ice had been thrown down his back. He threw the rings on his bed and traveled the hallway in three neat steps.

_"_I was downstairs," he said hurriedly. "Have you got news?"

The portrait of Phineas Nigellus stared down at him snidely. "I don't think you were downstairs, I think I heard the door."

"Oh come on now, has Dumbledore sent you?" Sirius said, feeling irritated.

"Has the man who's express orders you've just disobeyed sent you a message?" He said cruelly. "I don't know if I can remember."

"Come off it, Phineas, just give me the message already!" Sirius yelled. "It's got to be important at this hour."

"Such a rude, impatient, rule-breaker I've got for a great-great-grandson." He sighed, rolling his painted eyes. "Going out at night doing goodness knows what, wonder if I should tell Dumbledore."

"I didn't leave the house, I was downstairs." Sirius said through gritted teeth. He felt the chill again. "Now tell me what he's got to say."

"Hmmm..." said Phineas, he paused for a moment, and then, looking at Sirius' murderous eyes, added in a rushed voice, "Well alright, if you insist... let's see... Arthur Weasley's been injured gravely, on his way to St. Mungo's, and his obnoxious children and the insolent Potter boy are on their way to stay. I think that's satisfactory." He said smugly.

"They're welcome as long as they like." said Sirius hoarsely. Phineas Nigellus strode out of the side of the portrait, leaving a shocked Sirius standing dumbstruck on the threadbare runner in the broken down hallway.

_- - - -_

_Spring/Easter time 2009_

Harry Potter was in trouble.

It had started like a normal night. In fact, it had started as a very good night. It had only gone sour after the children had been put to bed, and now Harry Potter was sleeping on the couch.

He'd been sitting at the table, reading _The Daily Prophet_, when Ginny had appeared in the doorway of the kitchen. Instantly he knew there was something wrong. It was written all over her face, and the anger she was feeling emanated from her like some kind of fiery glow. She leaned against the wall, her hair pulled high on her head and her expression fierce, a stack of papers in her other hand.

"What are these?" She demanded, waving them in his direction.

"Well if you'd let me see them-" he said, trying to grab the stack. "I don't know what you're holding Ginny."

"These!" She screeched, throwing them all over him. "Why don't you have a look now, Harry, and tell me if you recognize them!"

He snatched one of the papers, now floating lazily about his head like a paper rain shower, and looked at it. He felt himself pale. They were Tawny's letters. "I'm not having an affair." He said quickly, before he could stop himself.

"You're not having an affair. You're not having an affair!" Ginny yelled fiercely. "You don't have to be sleeping with her to be emotionally tied up with her."

"Ginny, I have no idea what you're saying!" He said panicking. "I'm not with Tawny in any sense of the word!"

"Harry, you told me you'd stopped this nonsense!" She said, pacing the kitchen. "You told me you hadn't spoken to her in months!"

"Well, that was a bit of an untruth, yes-"

"A BIT OF AN UNTRUTH!" Ginny roared. Harry was suddenly filled with the urge to send her to Charlie to study, feeling she might have a bit of dragon in her. "HARRY POTTER, YOU LIED OUTRIGHT TO ME!"

"Ginny, I'm sorry." He said lamely, "I just wanted to know more-"

"Harry," she said, and her voice was a deadly. He realized with a jolt it was not dragon, but Molly Weasley, that Ginny was channeling. "You don't need to know anymore! Our children barely see you. Your job keeps you at the ministry for hours and hours, and you're using your free time to see some woman you barely know and her twelve year old lovechild? How do you justify that!"

Harry had no answer for her. "Ginny..." he tried, "Please..."

"No, Harry." She said, throwing the last of the letters at him. "I don't want to see you anymore right now. And you've got some thinking to do. Your priorities need to be straightened a little, and until you can do that, I just don't want to see you."

So Harry was spending the night sleeping on the couch, thinking of Ginny's words to him. Had he gone too far in his obsession? He had been pushing this feeling away for months, but now it surfaced tenfold, and he could not help but think she was probably right. He tried to push his thoughts away, to get some sleep, but Ginny's words replayed over and over in his mind.

_Tomorrow,_ he thought. _Tomorrow I'll go see Tawny Weller and I'll figure this out._

The thought did not comfort him at all.

_- - - - -_

_Late Summer 1979_

_Summer was ending quickly, and fall was coming just as fast. The Order of the Phoenix was waging a fierce war, and somehow the seasons seemed to take notice of this and the world grew darker by the day. Each new week brought a fresh death, a fresh catastrophe, fresh loss and grieving. The Death Eaters numbers continued to grow but the Order was dwindling; they simply could not keep up with extent of the damage Voldemort was inflicting on the world. As little as anyone liked to admit it, Sirius had been right- they were being picked off, one by one, with little or no warning. Dumbledore, at the center of the organization, was remaining optimistic, but it was obvious he was one of the last among them to stay so._

_Sirius stared out the window of his apartment, holding a cup of coffee and watching the rain. He was thinking of the Muggles who'd been slaughtered in their home last week. There had been a father, and a mother, and three children. The youngest had been three. Sirius kept seeing the image of that little girl, her deep brown eyes wide and staring, her still body slumped next to her mother's. One of the bows in her hair had come undone, and part of the loose ribbon had fallen across her forehead. It would not leave his mind. _

_He turned from the window, sighing, listening to the sound of rain pound on the pane as he poured the full cup's contents down the sink. He had not seen James or Lily since they had visited his new apartment. James had sent him a Patronus or two to let him know they were all right, but what Sirius craved most was to talk to his friend. His desire to talk to Lily, too, was no less overwhelming. He had read her note over and over again in the past few weeks. Sometimes he thought he had mistaken her meaning, that it wasn't a confession of mutual attraction, or even love. Sometimes he thought it was merely lust she was confessing to. Most days, though, he would let himself believe it meant what he most desired, and it sustained him through the most dreadful and lengthy of days and nights, whether he was doing the work of the Order or stuck within the confined apartment. _

_On these lonely stretches he would do his best to leave James out of his mind. He felt a stranger to his own feelings when he did this; James was his best friend and his greatest ally and he knew what he felt and hoped was wrong. He remembered the way Remus had looked at him when he had suspected his feelings at school, and he hated himself. No one could understand how it felt to love both at the same time; no one could understand how separate those two loves could be. It did not matter, loving Lily, that James loved her too. It only mattered that he loved her. _

_He ran a hand through his hair and sighed, but quickly sat up in his chair, his ears alert. Though muffled by the distance and the doors between, an audible 'crack!' had issued from his bedroom. It was distinctive, and Sirius knew instantly someone had apparated into his home. With steady fingers he removed his wand from his pocket, creeping quietly down the hallway, hand raised. _

If I'm going to die, _Sirius thought calmly_, I'm going to take all of you down with me, you bastards.

_He slipped around the corner of the bedroom and burst into the open door, wand poised for action._

_"Stupe-" _

_"STOP!" shrieked Lily, her hands raised in front of her. "Don't you dare stun me, Sirius!"_

_Sirius stopped, and in shock his wand nearly fell from his fingers. He regained his compusure quickly, though, and did not move his wand down. "What is my nickname?" He said loudly, staring at her._

_"Padfoot." She answered quietly, and there was a sadness in her voice. Sirius finally loosened his hand. _

_"I had to check, Lily." He said apologetically. "I wish I hadn't upset you."_

_"I know, Sirius," she said, walking back toward the window to stare out. "It's just so tiring to do this. I didn't think..."_

_"That it would be so difficult." He finished for her, joining her by the window and leaning on the frame. "It is, isn't it?"_

_She nodded, looking away._

_"Lily, what are you doing here?" He said gently. "Does James know? You're not supposed to leave right now. Dumbledore's orders." _

_She twirled a piece of hair in her fingers. "I don't give a damn about Dumbledore."_

_"Yes you do, Lily." He said, smiling slightly. "We've only got room for one rogue in this operation and I'm afraid the position has been filled."_

_She did not laugh at his joke, but continued to stare out the window, and then, without warning, she burst into tears._

_"Sirius," she gasped, her body shaking. "We didn't understand, did we? We weren't prepared at all- we aren't prepared at all! We're still so young, we're just stupid, stupid little kids messing around in something bigger than us, dropping like flies every moment-"_

_"Lily-"_

_"And so many of us joined, thinking we'd save the world, thinking we'd do some good, save the Muggles, free Wizarding kind-"_

_"Lily-"_

_"But we can't stand up to them, Sirius, there's so many! And they're so prepared, so efficient, that little muggle girl, dying in front of her parents, didn't even have time to scream-"_

_"LILY!" He roared, louder and more harshly than he had intended. _

_She stopped suddenly, whether because of his yell or because she was now sobbing so heavily she could not continue he was not sure. Thinking of his forceful cry made him feel nauseated. _

_"Lily, I'm sorry." He murmured after a tense moment of nothing but her crying. He put one of his arms around her, squeezing comfortingly. "I didn't mean to yell at you, you didn't deserve it. Please, don't cry." _

_She nodded without word and tried to steady herself, and after a few minutes had reduced her tears to watery hiccups. "I shouldn't have yelled, you were right Sirius. I got out of control."_

_"Everything is out of control these days." He said. "I don't blame you if you feel the need."_

_"Do you?" she questioned. _

_"Do I what?" _

_"Feel the need to lose control." _

_Her voice was quiet as she said it, her green eyes red-rimmed and staring straight at him. She was leaning towards him, hovering near his face, her head tilted up. Her eyes were wide, her mouth was slightly open, and she was blinking slowly, tiny tears clinging to her eyelashes and dropping like small, glittery jewels on to her cheeks. _

_"All the time." He said truthfully, and he bent more, so their noses were touching. "Right now."_

_She was tilting her head further upwards, and all he could see looking into her eyes was a blur of bright, emerald green._

_"What's stopping you?"_

_And suddenly Sirius did not know anymore what was stopping him. He could not contain himself any longer, could not hold himself back from grabbing Lily by the waist and pulling her to him, kissing her hard on the mouth. As he kissed her he could feel her tears, making his face wet. He could taste them too, on her mouth, salty mixed with the sweetness of her lips. He moved his hands to her face as she kissed him back just as roughly, her arms snaking to his neck and pulling him tight against her body. _

_All the fear they'd built up being young and in danger, all the malice and the terror and the anger, all the horrible things they'd felt for months gave way to sheer passion. She pulled her hands under his shirt, running them across his stomach and chest, exploring him. She stopped briefly to feel his heartbeat, making him groan as she held her palm flat in the center of his chest. Sirius pulled at the straps of Lily's dress, tearing it down past her shoulders to touch her, pressing her against the wall- _

_And then a floorboard creaked beneath his feet and the spell was broken, and Lily was pushing Sirius away looking horrified and guilty as she pulled her straps back into place. _

_"I'm married and I love James." She croaked, fresh tears welling up and pouring out of her eyes, "I love James, Sirius, I love James."  _

_Sirius felt his own guilt rush up to meet him as he looked at her and the tears that streamed past her cheeks, thinking of the expression his best and oldest friend would have adopted had he seen their actions only a few moments ago. _

_"I love James, too. I love him, too. Lily. I'm sorry." He whispered earnestly, but before the last syllable left his lips she had apparated away with a resounding crack, leaving him alone in the dark again, feeling like an animal._


	8. The Spy

Note: I don't own Harry Potter, or any of the characters. I use the HP Lexicon to help me write the story. Another little side note, especially concerning this chapter- this story, the way I am approaching it, is a little different because it does not go in exact chronological order and because there are three different timelines going on at once. But I promise you, I've done a lot of planning, and I've tried to make it visible that each piece, while it may not seem to matter at the moment, will make all the difference in the end. So trust me, please, and I will do my best not to lead you astray! You will all find out the exact story by the end of the tale, so I hope you can go along for the ride with me! PS- Thanks for the reviews, so much! I am shocked at the great press this story has been receiving, and very honored :D! Thank you, thank you, thank you! And sorry this update took a little longer than usual, I'm just settling into college life, and classes are starting, so poor Sirius and the gang suffer a little. :(

PS- I'm curious to know, all you all who are reading this- what Hogwarts House do you think you belong to? Any Badgers in the house? I'm a Hufflepuff for sure!

_- - - - - -_

___Sometime before July, 1980_

___Severus Snape had never thought it would come to this._

___As he sped down the dark street, he could not help but think of his newly twisted predicament. A Death Eater for more than a year and now... what, exactly, was he? Snape had not thought he'd had it in him to be good; the Dark Arts were too beautiful, too vastly appealing, for this to have occurred to him. But there were many things Severus Snape had never considered happening to him, and yet they had, and they were still, and he was beginning to give in to the power of chance and goodwill in order to save what he deemed most precious._

___At school Dumbledore had not been a favorite of his; nor had he seen him as an enemy. He had just been present through it all, through his terrible and wonderful informative years, presiding over the thing like some kind of glorious ringmaster. In him was another thing Severus had never expected, for Dumbledore had quickly become his confidant in this surrealistic journey. He didn't trust him fully, not yet, but he knew Dumbledore would do right by him and keep to his word, something he did not believe possible of The Lord Voldemort. The thought made him shudder momentarily, and he walked more quickly through the night, his eyes and ears alert._

___Dumbledore had been the one to suggest this trip. Severus had slumped at the thought, not able to express his words of gratitude, but Dumbledore had just studied him with bright blue eyes._

___"I will accompany you, of course." He'd said carefully. "It is not safe for anyone to be out alone these days."_

___Snape knew this was not the exact truth, but he was glad Dumbledore was coming with him. He worried that he'd be followed by a fellow Death Eater, that Voldemort would somehow find out his true thoughts and feelings. This, despite his loathing of the disgusting Potter, was the last thing he wanted._

___He swished along behind Dumbledore, watching the old man closely as he walked purposely forward. They'd apparated at the beginning of the road, and Dumbledore looked quickly around as they arrived in front of a sweet looking cottage._

___"Here we are, Severus." Said Dumbledore quietly. "You understand, of course, that I cannot tell you the exact location of where you are standing, though it matters little. In a few hours Lily and James will be gone from here, and under my protection." Snape nodded as he approached the window. Beyond it, a brightly shining light lit a tiny room, where a small party seemed to be going on._

___"I will leave you for a moment." Said Dumbledore. "I will stand only a little way away, but I think you require at least a small portion of privacy."_

___Snape nodded again, his face pressed against the window, and Dumbledore retreated a few feet. Inside, James Potter and Sirius Black sat on the sofa cushions, locked in some kind of bizarre moving bear hug or else a wrestling match, looking as though they were two halves to one sinewy, muscular entity. Remus Lupin sat at their feet, watching as they rolled around, laughing with them, and every now and then one or the other would hit him with a socked foot, on accident or on purpose it was impossible to tell. These scenes of affection mattered very little to Severus Snape. He felt a rush of hatred toward the threesome, and tore his eyes away from them to scan the room. But there was no one else in the brightly lit area, and so he moved his way to another window, looking in._

___This window led to a small kitchen, and with a jolt Severus found what he was looking for. Peter Pettigrew sat at the kitchen table talking animatedly, but it was Lily, his Lily, that drew his attention. She was leaning against a counter, smiling radiantly at Peter, one hand over her overlarge belly. Her red hair was swept back and clasped at her neck in a pretty but loose style, and her eyes sparkled like jewels. For one moment, Snape closed his eyes, letting himself pretend he was in the kitchen with her, that it was his child that grew beneath her fingertips, swimming below her heart. A vision of a small girl with her red hair and startling green eyes, running to him, crying "Daddy!" in a high pitch singsong shimmered briefly behind his eyelids. But the illusion did not have the strength of the real Lily, and he opened his eyes again to watch her._

___He pressed a dirty hand against the window as she leaned forward to stand up straight, turning to stir something at the stove as Peter left the room to join his friends. The effect she had on him was more powerful than any spell, than magic at all..._

___But the web was broken in a moment as Sirius Black strode into the room. Though James Potter always reserved the most special portion of malice from Severus, there were many days in his life when Sirius Black rivaled James to be Snape's most hated peer. James, arrogant and rude and stupid as he was, would not have been nearly as enviable as his best friend if it had not been for his marriage to Lily. Quidditch had sustained him in school, but that was gone now; Sirius' sweeping good looks had remained. Bile built up in Snape's throat each time he was subjected to Sirius' easy confidence and chiseled features, and he felt another wave of barely controlled rage overtake him at the sight of the man brushing a strand of loose hair from a smiling Lily's face. Snape watched as Sirius leaned down and kissed her, a little too tenderly, a little too lingeringly, on the cheek. _

___The two friends seemed frozen in a moment, staring at each other in the tiny kitchen, their lips moving slightly with words Snape could not hear. The affection in the scene was palpable even through the windowpane. Lily's eyes shone with unshed tears, and Sirius' ruggedly beautiful face held the shadow of a smile on the corners of his lips. But, most infuriating to Snape, was something else that hid beneath the surface of Sirius' face, something that most others could probably not detect on the man. To Snape, though, it was painfully obvious; it was a look Snape could see in himself when he looked into the mirror._

___Love, simple and terrifying love, in his adoring gaze. Love for Lily. His Lily. A love that was obviously mirrored, however slightly, on Lily's beautiful face. Despite the friendship they had shared as children, he had never had Lily look at him the way she was now looking at Sirius; eyes soft, lips loose, cheeks a delicate shade of pink. She was saying something to Sirius, and Snape would have given anything to know what it was. Did she love Sirius Black? How could she fall for two Marauders and continue to hate the one who loved her most? He slid his hand more forcefully down the hot window. _

___He knew that there was no going back on what he'd done; it was too late and he could not take his actions back. He had no choices and only one path to repent for his crimes. He knew, too, that he was responsible for the way his life, most especially the fact it was separate from Lily's, had turned out. Severus Snape was a slave to his mistakes. Sirius had all the choices, the glorifying and wonderful choices,still laid out in front of him. What a fool he was for not understanding his luxury!_

___Snape wanted to tear his face from the picture before him but could not. If he did not survive his work for Dumbledore, this would be the last time he gazed on his sweet Lily's face. The thought overwhelmed him, terrified him. He could not look away from her as she touched Sirius' face again, silvery tears dripping down her face. He could not look away as Sirius brushed the drops from her cheeks, nor could he as Sirius touched her belly lightly and affectionately. He could not look away as the two laughed as though great friends, despite how it tore at his heart to remember a time when Lily's laugh belonged to him. _

___But, though he could not look away, he could still hate Sirius Black for having Lily when he could not, for tainting his goodbye to his only love with the charisma and beauty of a stronger man. He could hate Sirius Black as he hated James Potter, in jealousy and in cowardice, because it was all he was able to do. It did not matter that it would poison his insides and turn him to stone. He needed to hate Sirius so that he did not hate himself, for he knew that had he would never be as brave and beautiful and clever as Sirius was. Most of all, he needed to hate Sirius because he knew if he had acted only a little differently, Lily might have looked at him that way._

___And so, without a second thought, he did. _

- - - - -

December 27, 1995

Sirius Black had not expected to enjoy Christmastime, as it had been many years since he'd celebrated properly, (or, for that matter, had anything to celebrate at all) but the infectious fever of the happiness of Mr. Weasley's survival had permeated even his wariness of the winter. He'd found himself forgetting his troubles, thinking only, for the most part, of Harry's well-being and the smiling face of Tawny Weller. What a joy it was, to have people to care for, to have death and destruction not linger over loved ones like a heavy stench! Even Remus seemed impressed with Sirius' joy and whenever he could return to Grimmauld Place he joined in on the festivities as well.

Tawny's sweetness, coupled with Harry's enthusiasm toward Sirius' company, had changed the former prisoner of Azkaban profoundly. He did not feel filthy, or burdened, or guilty in their company. And though he still had nightmares about Lily and James, about their death and the end they had come to, Sirius no longer felt them in every moment he spent breathing, no longer resented himself for surviving when they did not. He knew that his best contribution to them would be to raise their son, and love him, the best he could do. He rose with the rest of them on Christmas morning, overjoyed in giving presents and even finding a shaky truce with Molly Weasley, despite their previous fights. Later, in the infinite pause between life and death, Sirius would be able to say, at least, that he had enjoyed at least part of his last year of life.

This was not destined to last, however, for there was one person who stood between Sirius and the forgiveness he sought to give himself. Severus Snape, an old enemy, an adversary from a previous life made friend by the forced hand of Albus Dumbledore. Snape came to the headquarters only every once in a few weeks, mostly to report his status on the dangerous double-agent work he was doing for the Order. He always arrived late at night, or else very early in the morning, and left after only a few minutes of hurried conversation. His sneer was enough to send Sirius into fits of anger and despair. Sirius had never thought a time would come when he would be jealous of Severus Snape, and yet here he was, longing desperately to be as much use to the world as Severus now was. The irony of it was perhaps the most painful part of it all, and it made him grind his teeth against his own feelings, which threatened to send him spiraling into fresh depression. When Snape was not in the house it was as though a huge weight had been lifted from Sirius' heart, and he was free to resume his joy and happiness. But Snape, merely in the smug looks and sarcastic comments he fleetingly shared with Sirius, brought all the worst in the man out and made him feel more inadequate than he had ever before.

It was not surprising to Sirius that Snape affected him in such a way. The two had never exactly been friends- in fact, Sirius and Snape had spent many years hating each other with a burning passion- and it made Sirius feel incredibly useless to watch his most loathed peer devote himself to a cause so important, especially when no one could actually understand why Snape did it in the first place.

It was really only a matter of time before something happened to change everything, and it was destined to be Snape who changed it. Finally, at one Order meeting, Sirius exploded. "Severus, go on with the report already, will you? Your puffed up arrogance has gone on quite long enough, thank you."

"Jealous, Black?" Said Snape greasily. "Wishing you could be on the front lines for Dumbledore as I have been?"

"Now Sirius, Severus-" started Molly, but Sirius interrupted her.  
"Yes, well, if I had crawled like a filthy insect to Voldemort after Hogwarts, I might have been a Death Eater, too. Then I could have been a cowardly traitor as you were, Severus, and I'd be much more busy."

"Never knew to keep your temper in check, Black. How unintelligent you are... Even if you were able to fight for the cause I doubt your sporadic explosions would be helpful to Dumbledore anyway..." Snape said lazily.

"Do you doubt my ability to fight?" Sirius roared, shaking with unchecked anger and drawing his wand. "How about we try it, Snivelly, you and I can have a little fight right here, just like old times-"

"Without Potter to help you?" said Snape nastily. "I wouldn't dream of taking you on when dear James isn't here to assist."

"You filthy-" Sirius spluttered. "You're mocking James, when he died because of sorry scum like you!"

At this, Snape's face broke into a sickly smile. "But Sirus," he said calmly. "Everyone in the wizarding world knows that you are responsible for Lily and James' death."

The room had gone very quiet at his words, as though drawing a great breath. Arthur was the first to speak, and his voice shook as he tried to sound genial.

"Come now, Severus, it's just a misunderstanding- Peter Pettigrew and all... how can you say such a thing, it isn't right... You didn't mean to sound like that, I'm sure..."

Snape said nothing, but continued to stare at Sirius with the corners of his mouth turned up in a nasty smile. Remus stood, saying nothing, to put a hand on Sirius shoulder. Sirius scanned the room. Every eye in it was fixed on him, judging him. Staring with conviction, thinking he was responsible for Lily and James dying.

I am, he thought. I am the one who should have died, and they all believe it. How could he have been so blind, so stupid, to think that he could ever live free of the burden of their demise? Here he had been, playing the part of a happier man, when he should have known that he did not deserve such a life. He was doomed to live a life of damnation for his sins.

"Let me go," he said to Remus, his hand feeling suffocating on his shoulder. "Let go, Remus."

Remus opened his mouth to say something, but Sirius suddenly could not stand to be at the table, to see all of those judging stares pointed in his direction, Lily and James' silent bodies dancing in their minds. It was not that Snape had said it, but that everyone in the room had been thinking it, that his own shame was not private but mirrored in everyone else's thoughts. He could not think of anything but James and Lily, his guilt thick in his mind, and so he slipped from the room, fixing a stare of anger on his face to try to wipe the satisfied grin from Snape's mouth.

Sirius burst into his room, staring at the pictures of his friends, and Lily, that he had so cherished only an hour before. They haunted him, moving quietly in the frame, still smiling and happy as always, frozen in happier times. He wanted to stop feeling, to stop thinking, to stop living. He wrenched several bottles of Firewhiskey out from under his bed, feeling as though he could drown himself in the stuff to ease his pain. He'd been a fool to think he could ever feel anything but misery again, to think that there was any saving someone as pitiful as him, as horrible as him, as guilty and criminal as him. The eyes of the Order had said that to him tonight. The only thing a person like him could do was drink himself into oblivion in the hopes that no one would notice his existence.

After attempting this method for several hours, Sirius Black could no longer see his own fingers, let alone the memory of the faces he found so accusing. He staggered haphazardly around the room, examining the pictures without being able to identify whether the people in them were alive or dead, real or reproduction.

"James," he slurred to the one on his wall. "I really did love you so much, James, and when I kissed her I was so sorry I did it, I knew she was yours from the beginning, James, do you forgive me now?"

James smiled from the frame and Sirius gave a watery grin. "See, James, I knew you'd be alright with it, she was always yours, mate, I just wanted her for a moment, and I loved her too James, I knew you'd understand..."

He brushed his fingers clumsily across James' grinning face and staggered to the window, staring out at the street. "James, I think Snape is right, I don't think I'm as good as I was with you... and...

"It's pretty lonely here, James, and sometimes I think you hate me, and I want to see you again, and Lily again..." he said, trailing off. A short girl, bundled clumsily in winter clothing, was walking unsteadily down the street, swinging her red hair as she made her way in the direction of the park.

"James, I can see Lily from here." The picture did not answer, though Sirius stared at it frowning. "I'm going to go..." He said carefully, moving a finger to his lips. "Don't tell Molly, James, I'll be back." His voice became pleading as he looked at the picture. "I know, James. Alright. I know she's yours, I know it, but just for a moment..."

And with a lurch, Sirius Black tumbled out the door, toward a future he could not see clearly and Tawny Weller.

- - - - -

Easter time 2009

Harry Potter was feeling very lost.

He had left the house before Ginny or the children had gotten up, folding the extra sheets neatly and putting them away in the closet. He'd taken the muggle underground instead of apparating to reach Tawny Weller's apartment, letting the hum of transportation soothe his nerves a little while he assembled what, exactly, he was going to say.

But Harry had arrived to Tawny's apartment to find her gone. After he had rung the bell several times, frantic, an annoyed neighbor had told him that Tawny had gone to the park with her daughter; Harry had forgotten that Hogwarts was having a break. Without having much else to do, and knowing that if he went back home Ginny might skin him alive for leaving, he decided to go to the park and see if he could find them, thinking it might clear his head.

He had found them in the farthest corner of the park, on a rusted playground swingset. As he was about to approach them, however, he stopped and had to stare.

Tawny and Charlie were laughing, pressing their rosy cheeks together as Charlie gossiped animatedly about something. her hands moved a little as she spoke and every now and then she would pull her face away to look at her mother more intently. Her mother smiled each time, gazing at her daughter as her lips moved rapidly and her hands followed, looking as though she had never seen anything more beautiful. Occasionally she would move Charlie's hair away from her face as it blew over her thick eyelashes in the wind.

Harry stared, feeling suddenly adrift. He had been stupid and now he could see it. Harry had felt such a rush of affection to Charlie for being Sirius' daughter, but the obsession portion had come because he'd related to her. He'd thought of Charlie as a younger version of himself, fatherless and empty, needing guidance from an outside source. And though the girl clearly lacked a father figure and needed his help, she was not as orphaned as he'd made her out to be. As he watched her mother lavish her with affection, Harry knew with a start that he had gone too far in his quest. He had not seen only Charlie, but an eleven year old Harry, who this time, did not have to live in a cupboard if he only extended his fingers a little in his direction. But Charlie was not Harry; she had a bedroom and a family, however small, that loved her. And Harry, too, had a family that needed him. He felt his resolve to speak to Tawny broken.

It was time Harry Potter went home.


	9. The Ghost in the Room

_Note:_ Don't own HP or any of his buddies. Nuts! I'd very much like to marry George Weasley, but sadly, I don't own him. Thank you for all the reviews and I hope you enjoy this chapter! Thanks very much again!!!!

PS- I no shippy the slashy. So yeah, anyone who thinks any affection between the Marauders is Remus/Sirius, or Sirius/James, or whatever, it's not. I don't begrudge other people their OTPs, but it isn't my cup of tea.

- - - - - -

_December 27, 1995_

The house at 12 Grimmauld Place seemed mysteriously frozen as Sirius Black made his way from his dimly lit bedroom to the front door. No person, not even Molly, stopped him as he bolted away into the night. His path lay unburdened and silent, as though fate had seen him and given him the help he needed.

Outside, it was very cold, but Sirius barely felt it. He jogged unsteadily after the vision with red hair, and with every step he took the wind whistled in his ears and his blood boiled. He wanted to see Lily again. James and Lily and Sirius himself had separated them before, governed by the rules of righteousness and honor and loyalty. Tonight, Sirius did not care about any of those rules.He just cared about Lily, her hair in his face, her body in his arms. Gryffindor be damned! Tonight he would be a Slytherin.

He chased her, quietly, into the park. She stood by the pond, throwing frozen rocks at the ice and giggling. When he approached she seemed to sense him coming, and turned genially to face him.

"Oh, hello." said Lily shakily, hiccuping happily. "Fancy meeting you here."

He said nothing, but stood before her panting, his shaking vision drinking in the sight of her long red hair and bright green eyes.

She frowned at him. "You're not wearing a coat!" She said, pulling at the buttons of her own thick wool cover as if to emphasize his dilemma. "It's very cold and you're not wearing one."

She was talking too much, giggling too much, and it puzzled Sirius. On the occasion he was able to focus clearly on her, which was infrequent in his state, Lily seemed different. She was larger than she'd ever been, more plump, and she was not the right height. Her face was more comical than he remembered it, and he cocked his head to the side, feeling confused.

"You're giving me that look again." She said, still frowning. "I don't really like that look. Feeling quiet again, are we?"

Somewhere in the base of him, Sirius remembered a smoking house, rubble, tears that he could not keep at bay. He remembered a cold October night, Muggles shrieking in terror, Lily, still and cold...

"But you're here now, Lily." He said, moving closer to her. "You're not dead because you're here."

Lily laughed shakily again. "My name isn't-" But she never finished. His mouth was on hers then, kissing her clumsily and tenderly, doing what he'd only done once but what he'd thought about for years. Their teeth scraped a little, their lips not fitting quite as right as they had before. He tasted alcohol in her mouth, but it could have been from his. He wasn't sure of anything anymore. He pulled back, his face still close to hers, and he could see her eyes were clouded and unfocused and bright, bright, beautiful green.

"Come with me." She said, taking his hand and leading him toward the exit of the park. The silence in Sirius' mind was deafening, the stillness of a night so long ago vivid in his mind. He followed.

- - - - -

_January 27, 1979_

_Sirius Black was celebrating a birthday with his friends for the first time in over a year. _

_He had been 20 for a few months already, but the Marauders and what few friends they had remaining had not had the opportunity to gather for his birthday. It was only when the McKinnons had fallen so violently that James had proposed they have a birthday party for Sirius; they all knew, in reality, it was an excuse to see each other alive and whole, to drink in the sight of their friends faces, and pretend for a day that there was no possibility it would be the last time they had the opportunity. _

_Sirius had grinned for the first time in months, throwing his arms around James the moment he came to the door, letting go reluctantly and only to hug Remus with similar fervor. Seeing Remus' haggard face he realized sadly he had no idea whether the full moon was coming or going, or if it was just a product of the war that weighed so heavily on all of them. He gave him an affectionate peck on the cheek at the thought, and Remus smiled a little more warmly at him with a little more truth in his face. _

_The party had been more subdued than previous affairs. They'd laughed more gently and talked more quietly, not hesitating to hold a friend's hand for a moment or touch a face they adored. Fear hovered silently above them, clinging to their robes with the same power death held. No one ate uproariously or drank anything other than water for fear an attack would happen suddenly and without warning, and they would be too sluggish or drunk to defend themselves. _

_After opening his small pile of thoughtful presents, Sirius began to clear the few dishes that had been put to use into the kitchen. His friends had argued, giving him a fight and trying to pry the dishes from his hands, insisting it was his birthday, but Sirius had smiled and headed into the kitchen. He had come to enjoy such menial work as washing dishes or cleaning house in a way he had never before; it helped clear his mind and the ease of such tasks put him at ease. _

_He was on his third or fourth dish when Lily came into the room. His back was turned to her as he faced the sink, but he knew it was Lily without having to look; her presence cast an aura different from anyone else's. She stood in the doorway for a moment before crossing the threshold completely and standing at Sirius' side, picking up a dish and a cloth and beginning to meticulously dry what he'd washed. _

_"Hello, Lil." He said quietly, his heart straining to stay in control. "How are you lately?"_

_"Fine, Sirius." She said, busying herself with her drying. "And you? Are you alright? Have a nice birthday?"_

_"The best." he said truthfully. What he'd wanted more than anything was to be with his friends, and against all better reason, they had made this happen for him. _

_"I'm glad to hear it." She said, setting down her first dish and picking up a second. They worked in silence until the pile was complete and all the dishes were dry. She wiped her hands on her cloth and handed it to him; he did the same before handing it back. Their eyes met for a moment, but neither said or did anything, save stare at one another, bright gray meeting bright green. _

_"Well, I'm going to go back to the party." He said finally, turning toward the door. But before he could leave, she caught his arm and spun him toward her. _

_"Wait." She said, sounding almost frantic. _

_"What is it, Lily?" He wanted her to say she loved him, that she wanted him, that they could find a way to make James understand and they could live happily ever after._

_"I'm going to have a baby." She said, her voice trembling. "James and I, we're going to have a baby."_

_Most people might have thought that it was impossible to feel both completely inflated and completely collapsed all at once. But Sirius had attended James and Lily's wedding, and had felt this once before, and he knew better now._

_"That's great, Lily," he said, forcing himself to sound enthusiastic. "Really great, I'm so happy for you both. Really, I am." _

_Lily bit her lip. "I haven't told James yet, though," she said nervously. "I'm afraid..."_

_"Of what?" Sirius said. _

_"That he won't be happy." She said, looking away. "That he'll think the time's all wrong and he'll be angry about it."_

_"Lily, he won't be angry."_

_"But a baby!" She said, and try as she might to hide it, he could see tears dripping off her chin. "At a time like this! Bringing a baby into the world when such evil exists." _

_He cupped a hand on her face and made her look him in the eye. "I promise you, Lily, that he will be the happiest man alive." Sirius said brokenly. "He will be thrilled beyond all reason, no matter the time." _

_She smiled a little, the corner of her lips twitching in gratitude as she dropped the cloth to throw her arms around him. "Thank you, Sirius." she said breathlessly. _

_He did not reply as he rubbed a hand on her back in what he hoped was a comforting way. Instead, he watched the cloth flutter downward, and imagined it joining the pieces of his heavy heart in a heap on the floor. _

_- - - - - -_

_March 27, 2009 _

Ginny Potter watched her two sons play happily in the early afternoon sunshine in the backyard of her their pretty home. It was still a little cold and winter clung to the edges of the grass in the form of thin frost, but spring was in the air and the boys had begged and begged, so she had bundled up five year old James, nearly four year old Albus, and tiny Lily and marched the lot of them into the sun. James was skimming the grass with his feet, zooming merrily along on a toy broomstick Teddy and Andromeda had given him for his fifth birthday as Ginny threw rubber balls, the size of her fist and painted gold, for his catching benefit. Albus had preferred to play quietly on the deck, sitting at the small table with parchment and crayons, drawing pictures and following his brother's giant, fake snitches with his eyes.

"I'm going to be a seeker for Gryffindor, just like Dad, Mum!" James said after catching his third ball in a row. "In my first year, too, just like Dad!"

"Don't do everything like your father." Ginny said wryly, patting a sniffling Lily on the back and wondering where his father _was_.

"I agree," said a voice, and Ginny turned to see Harry, standing sheepishly at the corner of the yard. "Or else you're going to make some poor girl in the future very, very angry."

"Dad!" said James, tumbling off his broomstick and leaping at his father. Albus, too, had run from the table, scattering parchment and crayon alike to hurl himself into his father's embrace. Even Lily was gurgling excitedly, waving fat fingers at Harry.

The boys climbed all over Harry, shooting hundreds of questions at him as they wrestled him to the ground.

"James, Albus," she said exasperatedly, not taking her eyes off Harry. "You'll get all wet, come on now."

"It's alright, Gin." Harry said. "We'll all go clean up after, and then we'll make dinner for you, won't we boys?"

"Let's have chocolate frogs and cauldron cakes!" James shrieked enthusiastically.

"Or soup." added Albus, eyeing his mother and father and clearly trying to sound helpful. "I like soup, too."

"What do you say, Mum?" Harry said eagerly to Ginny. "Sound like a plan?"

She didn't answer immediately, but continued to stare at him, unsure.

_I'm sorry_, he mouthed, his eyes pleading. _Forgive me_.

She smiled slowly. "Alright, I'm going to put Lily down for a nap, and you boys can play out here and make me dinner while I read." she said carefully. "But no chocolate frogs." She walked to Harry and placed a kiss on his cheek.

"Next time," she whispered so that her children could not hear. "You will most certainly not be so lucky."

Harry smiled gratefully and she turned to retreat into the house, a still-gurgling Lily clutched in her arms.

James frowned for a moment in his mother's direction, but his frown was easily replaced by a grin as he climbed on his father all over again. "She didn't say no to the cauldron cakes, Dad! Did you hear that! She didn't say no to them!"

- - - -

_December 28, 1995_

Sirius Black had been having a dream about Lily again, but this dream was different than every one he'd ever had. In this dream, Lily had been his, and James had been his best man, but every moment Sirius opened his mouth to give his vows, a choking sound had come out. Still, Lily had patiently held his hands, and James had grinned at him over her shoulder, both of them waiting for vows that never came.

He woke groggily, trying to press the image of Lily's encouraging smile in a blood red wedding gown out of his mind. There seemed to be more light in his bedroom today than there had been before; the room was flooded. And then, suddenly, all the memories of the night before came rushing to him and he sat up with a start, his body just barely covered with Tawny Weller's fluffy pink sheets.

"Hello," said Tawny Weller, who was sitting in a chair across the room. She was reading a book with a cup of coffee in her hand, and she sounded sleepy but cheerful. "We meet again! Would you like a cup of coffee, stranger?"

Sirius stared at her for a moment, and then burst into laughter. Here he was, completely naked in a stranger's apartment, not knowing where his clothes were or what, exactly, they had done the night before, and she was offering him coffee as though he'd stopped in for breakfast with an old friend.

If Tawny Weller was disturbed by his laughter, her face didn't show it. She turned the page in her novel, stuck a bookmark in it, and left the room. When she returned with a fresh cup of coffee and a second mug for Sirius, he was clutching his sides, panting with the last of his laughter and wiping tears of humor away from his face.

"Yes, it is a bit funny, isn't it?" Tawny said, handing him the cup. "But altogether you managed nicely and so did I, as far as I can remember, and a good time was had by all. I only put a bit of sugar and a bit of milk in it for you, I hope that's alright."

Sirius, still gasping, nodded and took the cup. "My clothes?" he asked, sipping at the hot drink.

"On the floor," she said, curling up in her chair again and fixing her eyes on him. "I could turn around if you like."

Sirius nodded, wincing at the fact that she'd seen all she was shading her eyes from only hours before. She was being so kind to him, his laughter evaporated in a cloud of guilt.

"I'm sorry," he said when he was dressed. "I feel as though I've taken advantage of you, and you've been so good about it-"

"Took advantage of me?" She scoffed. "I believe we were both good and sloshed, so we both had it coming."

He shook his head, but she went on. "Besides, it's not as though I hadn't wanted it before. Maybe I took advantage of you! Anyway," She continued in a matter-of-fact voice. "I think you needed it, and I wasn't at all sorry to help. I do wish you'd tell me your name, though."

For a moment he didn't say anything, but just looked at the muggle girl who he'd spent months talking to, who was being so good to him now, who didn't even know his name. He felt so burdened, so heavy, and he knew what he wanted suddenly, as though it had been what he'd wanted all along.

"My name is Sirius Black." he said, his voice steady. "And the girl I loved, her name was Lily Potter, and she was my best friend's wife, and I loved her anyway. And she died, a long time ago, and I think part of me died with her. She had red hair, and green eyes, and last night I thought you were her and that's why I went with you."

He expected Tawny to be revolted at him for his sins, but she only looked at him curiously. "Go on," she said quietly, "I'm listening."

For a moment, he was uncertain. If he told her his story, she would have to know everything; he would be breaking the most cardinal rule of wizardry by telling a Muggle the truth of magic. He thought about Harry at Grimmauld Place, who he wanted to see desperately, and about what it would do to Harry if he ever knew the truth of Sirius. But the burden in him was so great, he could not resist the opportunity to relieve himself of it.

"If I tell you the truth," he said hoarsely. "You can't speak to anyone about it. No one. You have to swear. Nobody in the world, no matter how far in the future, not even my name, not even if they ask."

She did not hesitate, but nodded quietly. "I'll never tell a soul."


	10. The Secret Keeper

Notes: I am SO SORRY for waiting this long to update, but please know I have in no way abandoned _Breathless_. It will definitely continue for another three chapters (including this one) before the conclusion. Again, don't own HP, and I am really really sorry.

PS: Someone from on here PM'd me about reading their story. I SWEAR I didn't mean to ignore it, but I can't seem to find the message in my inbox and I'm having trouble remembering who it was! If it was you, please send me another message because I'm really interested in reading your story, and I'm sorry I haven't already.

PPS: I am looking for an artist to do a commision for me of one of my OCs and George Weasley. If you are such an artist, or know such an artist, please tell me about it!

On with the show!

- - - - --

_Sometime before July, 1980_

"_It's no use, Sirius," panted James, clawing at the back of his friend's head and pulling his long hair. "I'm unbeatable." _

_Sirius pressed hard against James' mouth, pushing his face violently to the left with such a force that he was almost sure he'd knocked a tooth out. "Let it go, Prongs." He grunted, straightening his legs in an attempt to kick his best friend, "You're not even close to a match for me."_

_James flipped again on the small living room sofa, his knuckles colliding hard with Sirius' rib cage and knocking the wind out of him. Sirius coughed violently and grabbed James around the neck. _

_"The two of you," laughed Remus, sitting on the floor and watching them with shining eyes, "are positively ridiculous. What are you even fighting over?"_

_"Glory," wheezed James, slamming his head with Sirius'. Sirius pulled back howling, but was back in only a moment to hold James head under his armpit and rub his already mussed hair with intense vigor. _

_"You're going to give him rugburn on his scalp." Said Remus wryly, but his face was affectionate. The lines of love so deeply etched in Remus' face put a hard knot in Sirius' belly. Seeing him brought back to Sirius the reality of the situation- this could be the last time he would see James, or Lily, or even Remus and Peter, in a very long time. A reality in which he was sure Remus was a spy for Lord Voldemort. Sirius stuck his foot out and hit Remus in the face with his socked foot, a little harder than he had meant to. _

_"Sirius!" Said Remus, rubbing his nose and looking at Sirius with a bewildered expression. James laughed and grabbed Sirius by the ankles, attempting to push him off the couch and onto Remus. _

_"If you can't handle the intensity, Remus, you might try moving back a bit." He said, grinning until Sirius pinned his arms to his back. _

_"I've got you now, James!" Sirius said gleefully, twisting his arms a little as he fought against him._

_"I'll never give in." hissed James, throwing his head so that he could see Sirius over his own shoulder. His face was flushed, his eyes narrowed. _

_Sirius dropped his arms instantly. The look in his eyes had been too real, too much as though Sirius had been holding him captive. For a harrowing moment, Sirius had imagined that it had been Lord Voldemort who'd been holding his best friend, that his defiant look had not been one of play but of true self defense. The idea made something inside Sirius shake violently, and he did not even try to stop James as he pounced on top of him and pinned him to the couch. _

_"I win." James said cheerfully, staring down into his friends' face with a smile. But Sirius was still imagining James hissing at him, at an enemy who had not come yet but who was doing his best to claim him, his wife, and his unborn son. Things that mattered to Sirius more than anything in the world. _

_"You got me." He said quietly, knowing it was true. He belonged to James, and to Lily, and to Harry not yet born. _

_"Come on Sirius," said Remus, as James got to his feet and dragged Sirius up with him. "Don't be so sore. There will be plenty of other matches to be had."_

_Sirius met Remus' eyes, met them hard as Remus looked at him imploringly. _You're damn right there will be. _Sirius thought._

_Peter strode into the room from the kitchen, his plump mouth full of something. "Lily needs help in the kitchen," he said, breaking the tenseness and spraying food everywhere. _

_"I've got it," Sirius said quickly, patting James on the back and turning away from Remus before taking two quick steps into the next room._

_Lily was there, leaning against the counter dreamily and holding her hand over her huge stomach. Her hair was clasped loosely at her neck and she looked glowing. She didn't notice him and so he watched her, if only for a moment, soaking up her joy and feeling it grow inside him as well. To see Lily happy, to see James happy, these were the things that made Sirius' life worth living. A rush of black at the window caught his eye suddenly, and he looked torward it. Could that have been - ? No. It couldn't be. Dumbledore was protecting this place. Lily broke his thoughts and he turned away from the window, shaking his hair in his hands._

_"Sirius!" she said smiling, rubbing her belly. "Come here and feel him kick!"_

_Sirius smiled too, his anger at Remus and the flash of what he'd been so sure was a hooked nose at the window forgotten. He brushed a stray hair from Lily's face and put his hand on her stomach, feeling a flurry of motion beneath his fingertips. _

_"He's dancing, or else running." Lily said, laughing. Sirius bent and gave her a long kiss on the cheek, admittedly longer than it should have been. If Lily noticed, she said nothing, nor did she break her smile._

_"In a little while we're going to have a little boy," she said smiling wider. Sirius felt a his heart give a leap at being included in her 'we'. She looked happily up at Sirius. "You'll be the Godfather, I hope? You've been good to us, Sirius. It was James' idea of course, but I love it. You've been good to us, and we think you'll be good to Harry."_

_Sirius felt a lump in his throat. "I'd love to be his Godfather." He said hoarsely, feeling as though he did not deserve this at all. "I'll look after all three of you."_

_Lily still smiled. "Oh, I know you will, Sirius. You're a good friend."_

_For once, Sirius was no longer sad at the finality of the friendship; jealousy was not in his nature. Love, he knew, came in many forms; if he could not have one, he would have another, and be as happy as he could manage. Though he may never have a child of his own, he would just have to love their child. He knew life was complicated, but he was determined to simplify. He _was_ a good friend. Good friends made sacrifices. Good friends protected. Good friends would give anything, even their lives, to protect people they loved the most._

_"Lily," he said carefully. "I've been thinking about my being secret-keeper. I think we should make a change in the plan…"_

_- - - - -_

_Mid-August 2009_

"Hello, Harry."

Tawny Weller smiled as she opened the door for him to step inside. Outside was hot- unbearably hot- but the air inside the apartment was cool and pleasant. Behind Tawny, Charlie came bounding the the door, grinning hugely. Her hair held high in a ponytail above her head, she wore a simple t-shirt and shorts, both a little too big for her.

"I can't seem to get her to wear girl's clothes," explained Tawny, seeing his slight smile. "No matter how many adorable things I buy for her, things in pastels and with sweet buttons, she ends up wearing her cousin Mark's hand-me-downs."

"They're more comfortable." Said Charlie, tugging on her sleeve so that the shirt slipped a little off her shoulder.

Tawny merely shrugged a little and smiled. "I suppose I can't argue much with that. Please, come in, Harry. I've got tea already made up."

"She's always making tea," said Charlie, laughing at her mother. "Even when nobody asks for it."

Tawny brushed her daughters hair from her face and disappeared into the kitchen, leaving Harry and Charlie behind in the entrance to the apartment. Ginny had finally come to terms with his relationship with Charlie, but only while she was sure his obsession with her paternity had died and a genuine affection for the girl was the main reason for his visits. Besides, Ginny liked Charlie, who was spunky and bright and reminded her a little of herself as a child, and agreed that she needed someone magical in her life to admire (though she had expressed a joking wonder at her choice of Harry as that role model.)

"Well, I've come to wish you a happy birthday, Charlie." Said Harry, pulling his hands out of his pockets and speaking at last. "You're turning, what, thirteen?"

"In two and a half weeks," Charlie nodded, tugging at the ends of hair. It was a habit that had not evaported in the time he'd known her.

"Get anything good?"

Charlie grinned. "My mum got me a new broomstick. Fastest thing I've ever been on. Much better than playing on the school ones, now I can actually keep up with the Bludgers I'm after."

Harry smiled. "Maybe you can bring Gryffindor to the cup this year."

Charlie snorted. "Of course we'll get the cup. Haven't lost it since your third year."

"Well, I can't compete with a new broomstick," said Harry, holding out a package. "But I came to wish my best anyway."

She smiled at him, and he noticed one of her teeth was missing. "Knocked out by a bludger," she explained, smiling wider. "Mom wants me to get it put back magically but I rather like it this way."

"I swear, Charlie, if I hadn't given birth to you myself I might think you _were_ a boy." Tawny laughed, coming back into the room balancing two teas. "Now come on, would you get your things together? Your cousins are coming to get you for your trip to London any minute and I want you outside waiting for them."

"But _Harry's_ here," Charlie said testily. "I can go to Diagon Alley any time I want-"

"Charlotte Adhara Weller, get your things and go wait outside, or we'll see how much play that new broom gets when we go the country next week, eh?"

Harry took a hot gulp of tea very quickly; he felt it scalding his throat as it rushed down, and he coughed. A standoff was occuring between Charlie and her mother, but Harry didn't notice. Something was boiling up in his chest, something that had nothing to do with the tea. Charlie was saying goodbye to him, stomping back to her room with a sour face, but Harry hardly noticed. He could not take his eyes off her mother.

"She's got an attitude on her now, getting worse by the year. She's becoming a teenager alright." Said Tawny, sitting at the table opposite Harry. She looked at Harry contededly, waiting for a reply, but her expression became more cloudy when she met his eyes. "What's wrong, Harry?"

Harry was having trouble formulating a sentence; his hands were shaking and his mouth seemed to tremble. "You lied to me," he said finally, his voice low. "You knew who Tawny's father was. You knew it was Sirius."

Tawny blanched, looking at Harry as though terrified. The two looked at eachother in silence for what seemed like an eternity, Harry's steely eyes unable to look away from Tawny's wide ones.

"Okay, I'm going outside to wait, Mum." Said Charlie as she bounded back into the room, clutching the Defense Against the Dark Arts book Harry had given her. It was one of the ones he'd gotten in a set from Sirius and Remus his fifth year, when the DA had been the most important thing in his life. He'd picked it because Sirius had too. "Thanks for the book, Harry. It looks like really advanced magic, but I'm going to get it someday."

Harry nodded, glancing at Charlie. "You're welcome," he said at her retreating figure, before returning to her mother.

"I love you," Tawny whispered, closing her eyes tight as Charlie kissed her on her way out. "I love you so much." She said again as she left, as though she were afraid it would be her last chance. The moments after the door slammed seemed long and eerie, thick with emotion.

"How did you know?" Tawny said, her eyes still clamped shut.

"Her name. Her middle name. Any wizard or witch would have known it. It's a required subject at most magical schools; the good ones at least." Harry said, his voice cracking. "I would have known it anywhere."

Tawny's eyes sprang open and she looked at him pleadingly. "Harry-" she started, but he would not give her the opportunity.

"I deserved to know!" He roared, standing up suddenly, unable to contain himself any longer. "I deserved to know about him!"

"Harry, he made me promise-" Tawny tried, but Harry was still shaking with an anger he could not escape from.

"I don't care what he made you do!" Harry yelled again. "He was the only thing I had, don't you understand that? He was the only thing I had, and you could have helped me, and you lied to me instead!"

"He made me promise, Harry! He made me promise not to tell a soul!" Tawny shouted back. She was shaking too, looking to the window vaguely. "He was so lonely, and lost, and so… so afraid of losing you because of it. So afraid of what you'd think of him if you knew about it."

"I should have known." Harry said, whispering. "She deserves to know, too. She should know the kind of man he was."

"She will." Tawny said. "I was always going to tell her about him; after I tell her, you can tell her all the things you want, too."

"I trusted you." Harry said again, angry once more. "And you lied to me."

"I'm sorry." Said Tawny quietly. "But he trusted me too. He trusted me first. I made him a promise."

Harry swallowed, and, before he could help himself, spat out the question that made him more afraid than anything in the world. "Did he love you? Or was it just an opportunity he had to take?"

Tawny shook her head. "He didn't love me. But it wasn't out of spite or cruelty. He was lonely. He was unsure. He just needed a friend."

Harry closed his eyes, relief sweeping through his body. "Is there anything you haven't told me?" He questioned finally, his fists unclenching slowly. "Tell me, I deserve to know. Did he tell you anything else about him, anything about his life other than his name and who he was?"

She did not look away this time, but met his eyes.

"Nothing." She said. "There's nothing left to know."

_August 31, 1996_

The contractions had begun early in the morning, before the sun was up, before the moon had left the sky completely. At first she'd merely timed them, lying in bed and spreading her fingertips on her belly against the pain, but when they'd gotten a little too close for her own comfort she'd raised herself out of bed and called her sister and a taxi.

"She's a few weeks early." Said her sister jokingly, pressing her hand onto her own burgeoning belly. "Her cousin is just beginning, but hopefully he'll make the same quick exit."

Tawny had smiled politely at her sister and pressed her forehead against the glass window, watching the sun come up over the horizon as they sped toward the hospital. She wondered where the baby's father was, and if he was alright, and if, right this moment, he was thinking about the woman he loved with the long red hair and the defiant smile, the woman who haunted him, the woman whose son was the center of what was left of his world. She wondered about Lily Potter, the woman who had become part of her own life in the sharing of his secret, and she wondered if this baby would have his eyes, and if they would be haunted or handsome. A baby girl; a baby he would never know. Tawny had never seen him again after that day. She felt sorry for him all over again, as she did often these days; she could not imagine holding such a painful secret for so long, with nothing but your dreams to keep you company in the darkness.

The delivery was short, normal, and measured. Tawny had found herself surprised at her own body; the way it adapted to the sights and noises around her, the way the desire to push had been born deep in her abdomen as the nurses screamed the command at her and her sister pressed her hand encouragingly against her own. She was so full of wonder, so full of pain and- and suddenly, with a cry, her little daughter came into the world.

"That's a girl!" Exclaimed the nurse jubilantly, pulling the baby out and cleaning her off quickly before detaching her from her mother. She whisked her away to weigh and examine her, and returned beaming. "6 pounds, 9 ounces. A little small, but nice and healthy!"

She laid the tiny bundle on Tawny's sweat-soaked chest. The baby had ceased to cry but was instead examining the room with wide, bright eyes. Tawny could see, looking at her, she was going to look just like her father. She was sure, looking at this baby, that the eyes would be handsome.

"What would you like to call her?" said the nurse, still smiling. "Any idea?"

"Charlotte Adhara." She said, a name birthed by her recent interest in astronomy; a name that Tawny had chosen before she'd even seen the little girl in her arms who fit it perfectly. Besides, it would be unusual, like the man who'd created the baby with her. After all, how many people knew much about astronomy?

The nurse, proving this point to Tawny, seemed perplex. "Pretty, but I don't think I've heard Adhara before. Family name?"

"Almost." said Tawny, stroking the baby's cheek. "It's the second brightest star in the constellation _Canis Major_."

The nurse nodded, trying to hide her confusion. "Is Charlotte a family name too?"

"No," Tawny smiled. "It just means free."

The nurse leaned over to lift the baby, preparing to bring it to the nursery. She was halfway across the room when she stopped, still bouncing Tawny's tiny daughter in her arms, and looked back at the new mother.

"What's the first?" She asked.

"The first what?" said Tawny, feeling herself begin to nod off.

The nurse tucked the baby tighter against her chest, looking reluctant. "The first brightest star in the constellation _Canis Major_. What is it?"

"Oh," said Tawny with a yawn. "It's Sirius."

- - - - -


	11. The End of it All

Note: This is one of the last two chapters of _Breathless_. A little sad but exciting, I know! There will be one more, and it will be the end. This is 100 percent sure. Thanks to all those who are reading, and I promise I will try to respond to all the reviews for this chapter and the next- I haven't had a lot of time to even get on and write, what with NaNoWriMo and college and all, so I hope you guys understand. Thanks again! I don't own any characters from Harry Potter, save Tawny and Charlie. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Mid-August 2009_

Tawny watched Harry walking from the building and into the woods after they had spoken. Despite the heat, he was hunched over; his shoulders set as though against a cold. He looked troubled and it made the guilt rise in her again. Just before he reached the edge of the wood he turned to look back at the building. His eyes rose to the level of her apartment, and though she sat behind thick curtains with only a sliver of open window, she was almost sure he could see right through the curtains to her uneasy figure.

When Sirius Black had come into her life, she had been a child not much older than Harry. Both of their childhoods had ended with the same man. Tawny's carefree days had gone on too long; Harry's had been to short. But it was still hard to decipher who had been more changed by Sirius' short-lived presence. It seemed that Harry might never stop being a child where Sirius was concerned, and Tawny already felt too old for her years.

Though Harry had long since disappeared from the wood, Tawny could still see his sad eyes in her mind, his piercing gaze. When Sirius had made her promise to keep his secret, she had thought the pact had been simple. But Charlie had come along, an aspect of the crime she'd never expected; there could no be winning a game when all the rules had changed. Now she'd told Harry that she'd known Sirius, yes. But she had never really broken her promise. It was not that she'd forgotten that Sirius had loved Lily Potter; it was simply that she did not think it was something Harry needed to know. She hadn't known Sirius as Harry had. But she was no less unwilling to let his memory be tainted.

She'd considered telling Harry everything, the promise of unburdening herself of the secret tempting. But she could not shake what Sirius had repeated to her over and over the night she'd last seen him and the night she'd first known him.

"Besides Harry," she whispered the window, telling him the truth that Sirius had felt so important. "James was the person he loved the most."

- - - - - - - - - - -

_July 31, 1981_

_How had Sirus known? _

_He would never be sure; not that night and not in all the nights that followed, the long tortured nights of nothing but that deadly quiet night to keep him company. The day before, everything had felt normal. He had not yet left Britain, having wanted to make sure Peter got settled into the safehouse. He'd given Peter a clap on the back and a wide smile, and then he'd set off to pack his things and get ready. He was supposed to leave that night, but something kept him for a few days, anxious and unsettled. Then this morning he'd woken to a heart hammering in a fear he could not identify, a brow broken in sweat. And he had known. Before he'd even thrown on his coat and set off on his bike toward Peter's, he had known._

_Of course Peter's house was silent, cold. Of course Peter was no where to be found, no struggle to suggest he'd fought. And though Sirius could feel something welling up inside him, it was not anger at the man who'd been the traitor, or at himself for believing Remus was- _Oh, Remus, forgive me, _he'd thought for one miserable second- or even anger at the villian who had wanted the Potters so badly. It was not anger at all. It was fear, suffocating him as he tried to shrug it off and set off into the night in search of answers. Sirius Black, fearless and brave, was stuck in the cold throes of terror. For once, it was no longer his life he'd risked. It was so much more important than that._

He died for them_, he forced himself to think, his mind racing. _Please God, please, let Peter die for them as I would have, as I should have. Please God, please Merlin, please anyone who is listening, let Peter have died for them, let my gut be whispering about something that hasn't happened, let them be smiling and beautiful as they always have been when I arrive at their home, still invisible to me. Please, and I will give you anything, I will give you everything I am_-_

_But he had known, he had known already before he was there. How else would he have been able to find the house? And though the terrible realization had come before he even reached their road, his mind filled with rushed prayers that would never hold any impact, it did not lessen the blow to see it. Their house, their tiny little cottage where he had wrestled with James and kissed Lily's cheek, blown half apart. The silence that settled on it, like heavy snow, whispering around him like ghosts. _

_When he saw it he broke into a run, still full of hasty prayers and illogical could-have-beens, blazing through the quiet street as though he was on fire. He did not care that moment about the Muggles that might see him, about the man who had betrayed them, about a War or Voldemort or anything else. It was one thing, one thing that drove him- _

_He reached the house and threw the door open, though the classic gesture meant little in the rubble of the ruined house. Barreling through the house, searching, begging. _Where? What had happened here? Where?_ He called and called, and though someone answered, it was not the person he'd been hoping for, and so he did not bother to stop, but just continued. It seemed to take ages to pick his way through the ruins of the tiny house. He was screaming at the top of his lungs, not knowing what he was doing. His hoarse voice was roaring into the night, and all he could keep thinking was,_ where?where? where-

_Finally, after what seemed like hours, came discovery. A hand, a pale hand, poking out from under a broken beam. _No. Was it-? No, please, no_. He fell to his knees, digging, the skin of his fingers breaking, his nails ripping, but it didn't matter. His prayers, so specific only moments ago, had become formless begging, half thoughts caught in a jumble. _Please, please, please. Take me. _Hoping against all hope._ Please, please, please-

_And suddenly all the wind was knocked out from him, and the prayers fell from his lips like stones, like so many pretty birds hunted and shot from the sky, one by one. He fell backwards a little, gasping, caught breathless. And when he felt like he could, he leaned back and pushed the debris tenderly away. With as great care as humanly possible, he hefted the silent body from where it had been trapped, the limbs feeling light and empty in death. The person he loved more than anything in the world, cold and silent in his arms, eyes gazing toward the sky, lips unmoving._

_"James," he whispered, his heart breaking with the sound of it from his own lips. "Not you, James. Anyone but you." And suddenly nothing mattered anymore, nothing could be so important as this man, as every happy moment of his life flashed before his life in great chunks. James playing Quidditch, James running with him as the stag and the dog, James smiling nervously at his wedding, James at the base of the whomping willow, James telling stories past bedtime, James sneaking firewhiskey into the boys' dormitories, James cursing Snape, James- _

_In that moment, with his best friend lying in his arms and a hundred years without him stretched like too long a road before him, he could say or think no more. A great heaving sob was wretched from his body, and with it Sirius Black was lost. _

_There was noise after, oh yes. But Sirius would never hear it. From that moment on, he was left in silence. _


	12. The World Beyond the Veil

Disclaimer: Don't own the characters. Just love 'em.

Small note: Though I would love to discuss where you think the future!Gen would be sorted, I have taken my own route and I'm afraid I'm rather set in it. All I ask is that anyone reading this respects my views (particularly in regards to Albus Severus, I'm very stubborn) and not try to tell me how I am "wrong". I do NOT condone movie Sirius and refuse to portray him that way in my story. I believe their version completely DEFACES everything Sirius really was in regards to Sirius death scene. I just wanted to say it. ("JAMES!" ?!? Really, I ask you!) Also, though I am sad to see this story come to an end, I have to say- I am determined to never do so much math again in my life.

This final chapter is dedicated to my reviewers and those at the Review Lounge, especially Padfootatheart, and of course Lauryn, for her unending patience and friendship, without which this fiction would not exist at all.

- - - -

_September 2019_

Harry Potter was buried in paperwork.

He had been the head of the Auror Department for twelve years, and since then had reformatted the place for the better, and yet, no matter how hard he tried, he never seemed to be able to eradicate the need for hours and hours of red tape. Necessary, of course, but still incredibly tedious nonetheless.

_I am never getting home,_ Harry thought miserably. _This is going to take me years to dig myself out of. _

There was a movement at the door and he looked up, startled out of his thoughts. A dark-haired girl in her twenties was leaning against the frame of his office door, looking nonchalant and as cool as anyone might ever manage to look while standing in the Ministry of Magic. Though her features were fiercely beautiful (with the exception of an oddly shaped mouth) and her hair was cut in a short, modern style, her gray eyes stared back at him with the excitement of a child.

"The news?" She said, sounding out of breath as she peered at him expectantly.

"Gryffindor," said Harry smiling. "Just like her brothers, and nearly half her cousins."

"Excellent!" laughed Charlie Weller, standing up straight and clapping her hands enthusiastically. "All the best go to Gryffindor."

"Charlie, I've got some nephews and nieces in Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff who'd hate to hear you say that." Said Harry, but he was grinning still.

"No Slytherins?" she said mischievously.

"There's nothing wrong with Slytherin," Harry reminded her. "Some very great men came from Slytherin."

"A few here and there," Charlie winked and she shook her short hair out with her fingers. "That paperwork get to you yet? I sent it flying ages ago."

Harry nodded. "Looks good from what I can tell. I'll give it a better check before I go home today." He ran his fingers over his desk. "I hope you've come to talk because you're leaving. You deserve a little break, you've been here late all week."

She blushed a little. "Actually, I am. I've got… a thing."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "A _boy _thing?"

Charlie shook her hair out again. "A date. Yes. A date with a boy- one I've been seeing for a while actually."

Harry grinned broadly, caught a little off guard. "Who? Charlie, I can't believe you haven't mentioned this to me!"

Charlie rolled her eyes, still looking flushed. "He's a healer. His name's Ben Whittaker. Was a Ravenclaw at school, a few years ahead of me."

Harry narrowed his eyes a little. "How many years older?"

Charlie just shook her head, chuckling. "Don't start with that! You drove Joshua Wood away with this kind of thing-"

"Wood's little brother? I told you, if he's anything like Oliver he's a complete nut-"

"He didn't even _play_ Quidditch at Hogwarts, and he was a Hufflepuff, sweetest man I've ever met-"

"Exactly, _man_, he's a good ten years older than you, Charlie. I hope this new one's younger than that or else I'm going to think you've got a bit of a complex-"

"He's only 25, that's _two_ years Harry, and you can even meet him when he gets here if you'd like."

He nodded, softening a bit. "Just looking after you, you know."

She smiled, and for a moment Harry caught the impression of Sirius on her face, the Sirius he had never known, or one that had never come to be. She looked around, as though checking for people near her, and then swiftly leaned down and pecked him on the cheek affectionately.

"Thanks, Harry." She whispered. He knew she meant for everything.

- - - - - -

"Ben Whittaker? Dark red hair, healer Ben Whittaker?" said Ginny, attaching a thick parchment packet to the leg of Albus' owl and opening the window for him the next morning. "I know him, he works at St. Mungo's with Caroline. He treated James that day Lily accidentally made all his teeth disappear. "

Harry took a bite of his toast. "That's the Ben. He mentioned that yesterday. Seemed to find it funny."

Ginny laughed. "Oh, come on Harry. It was funny. Caroline said good things about him. She's the one who trained him, after all."

Harry shrugged. "I know, I know. He's a good kid. He was very polite when I met him. It's just Charlie, that's all."

Ginny ran a hand through his hair affectionately. "I know. You've been like a father for her, helped her study to become an auror, trained her yourself, taught her all about Sirius. I know, Harry. I hate to see what happens to you when Lily starts dating."

"Lily will never date." Harry said stonily. "Ever."

"That's what my brothers said, too." Ginny laughed. She kissed Harry before he had a chance to respond. "You know what's funny, though?"

"What's that, Gin?" Harry said distantly, still thinking about all the things Ginny had done behind her brother's back, most especially those she had done with him. He frowned.

"When I met Ben, I thought he kind of looked like your mother in all those old pictures you have of her. His hair is almost the same color, too. And Charlie's the spitting image of Sirius... it's almost as if Sirius is falling in love with your mum."

Harry chuckled. "Ginny," he said, pulling her to him. "_That_ is completely ridiculous."

- - - - -

_June 1996_

_Sirius Black was finally out of 12 Grimmauld Place, and for the first time in as long as he could remember he finally felt alive. Adrenaline was pumping through Sirius' veins as a jet of red light whizzed past his head, and he grinned as he shot his own spell in his deranged cousin's direction. Bellatrix hissed at him as she dodged his spell easily, and Sirius chanced another look in Harry's direction to make sure he was still safe, pressed against the wall with the Longbottom boy. This time, he was not going to let a Potter die. _

_He turned his attention back to his duel, leaping onto the rock and ducking underneath another jet of red light. "Come on, you can do better than that!" he laughed, the echo of his voice carrying in the great empty room. _

_He didn't see the second jet of light coming, bright green and quicker than lightning. He didn't feel it either. He only saw it connect with his chest, saw a second of Bellatrix' triumphant face and Harry's horrified one as he fell backwards. _

It's all right, Harry. _He wanted to say, _I'm not hurt. I don't feel anything, just a little cold. I know what it looks like, but I'm not dying. I can't be dying. I have to stay with you.

_But he couldn't say anything at all. His mouth wouldn't move, and besides that, he wasn't breathing anymore. He was falling backwards, and now all he could see was a dark, fluttering cloth, and for a moment everything went black and he was gone. _

_And then, only a moment later, his eyes opened again, and he could move. He was in a bright white room full of nothing but windows, a room he'd never seen before. In front of him was a dark, fluttering veil. At the other end of the room was a giant closed door. _

_Sirius ran toward the veil, trying to reach it and run through. But once he had come within a few feet of it, no matter how much he ran, he would get no closer. He reached for his wand, but realized that he had let it tumble out of his hand when he'd gone through the veil the first time. _

"_Harry!" He called, dropping to his knees and panting from running so long. "Harry!" _

"_You won't be able to reach him, Sirius. You can't go back through the veil once you're here." _

_Sirius jumped to his feet. He knew that voice, the soft feminine voice that had come from behind him. _

"_Lily? He said, bewildered, as he turned around. His heart leapt when he saw_

_her, slender and beautiful and standing before him as though she'd never even met Lord Voldemort or Peter Pettigrew. He threw his arms around her in a fierce hug, and then pulled back again. "How- What- I need to get back through that veil-"_

_Lily smiled sadly. "I'm sorry, Sirius. You can't go back."_

"_But-" he said, pleading." You don't understand. It's Harry, he needs my help-"_

_"You did good, Sirius." Lily said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "You protected my son. But there's nothing more you can do now." _

_Sirius slumped down to the floor, crossing his legs and putting his hands over his face. Lily sat next to him, curling her feet up behind her and rubbing his back. _

_"Lily," he said finally. "I'm dead, aren't I?"_

_Lily nodded and Sirius gave a wry, barking laugh. _

"_Unbelievable," he muttered. "I don't get to do anything for the Order for months and when I finally get the chance, I can't even manage to stay alive."_

"_Don't be so glum, Padfoot." Lily said, still rubbing circles on his back. "James and I, we're proud of how you've been down there. It can't have been easy to be cooped up for as long as you've been, and we couldn't have asked for a better Godfather for our son. We do wish you hadn't blamed yourself so much for what happened, though."_

_Sirius grimaced. "You mean not realizing Wormtail was a traitor and letting you walk right into Lord Voldemort's trap?" _

_Lily hit him lightly. "Sirius Orion Black, you know you couldn't have done anything about it. That's life, and there's no way to change it."_

_"I could have kept your secret myself, instead of coming up with grand plans, thinking I knew everything-"_

_"Sirius, do you really want to spend your afterlife rehashing all the problems of the first one?" said Lily quietly. _

_Sirius shook his head. "Well what else can I possibly do, Lily, in this big empty white room full of nothing but my mistakes?"_

_Lily laughed. "Do you really think there's nothing here to do?" She stood up, dusting off her robes and lending a hand to help him up. Sirius took it and followed her as she strode off to one of the many windows. She stood on tiptoe for a minute, peering in, and then stood back, a broad smile on her face. _

_"Look." She said pointing to the window. Sirius looked at her skeptically. "Oh come on, Sirius, would you just look?"_

_He sighed and walked forward, and peered in the window. Instead of any kind of scenery, he could see Harry, sitting on the edge of the lake of Hogwarts. He looked forlorn, staring out at the water, his face set in misery. He ripped a handful of grass violently from the lawn and threw it with a guttural roar. When he raised his face, Sirius could see it was streaked with tears. _

_Sirius stumbled back from the window. "Why would you want to watch that?" He said, his voice uneasy. Lily frowned and peered in the window. She looked back, crestfallen. _

"_Oh." She said sadly. "He was with his friends just a moment ago, and didn't look so unhappy, I promise. He just misses you, Sirius- and he's got a lot on his mind. Dumbledore's died too." _

"_But I've only been gone a few moments." Sirius murmured, shaken. _

"_Time moves differently here, Sirius. It's already been more than a year since you fell through the veil." She put a hand on the window. "This is how I knew what had happened to you since I … left."_

"_You watched me, too, Lily?" said Sirius incredulously. _

_She smiled. "Of course. How else would I have known you'd been in jail?"_

"_I don't know." He said shrugging. "I thought maybe the dead gossiped." _

_She laughed and put a hand on the window, rubbing it a little and peering back in. _

_"What are you doing, Lil?" Sirius asked. _

"_Come look." She winked at him. _

_He craned his neck to see through the window again, but instead of Harry and the lake there was a small kitchen, and a blonde woman making tea. She strode across the kitchen, disappearing from view for a moment, and returned with a young child, in her arms. She smiled at the baby, whose face Sirius could not see, and kissed her on the cheek. _

_Sirius looked back at Lily, curious. "This is…" He trailed off and turned back the window, watching the woman, baby still in hand, spin around and around in her kitchen, laughing. He turned to Lily._

_"Tawny Weller." He said, curiously. "Why are you showing me her?"_

_Lily smiled. "Look closer, Sirius." _

_Sirius looked back into the window once more. Tawny was now bouncing the baby on her hip, watching her coo. The little girl looked up and Sirius, with a jolt, found himself looking into his own face. _

"_Lily-" he said, unable to tear his eyes away. "Is that my child?"_

_"Daughter." Said Lily. "A little girl named Charlotte Adhara, and yes, she's yours." _

_"Charlotte Adhara…" he repeated, looking through the window wistfully. _

"_She looks just like you, doesn't she?" said Lily, pushing her face up toward the window, her cheeks pressed next to Sirius. She reached for his hand and they watched the little girl break into a slightly lopsided smile as her mother placed her in a high chair and went about making her lunch. _

_The baby giggled and blew a bubble with her mouth, which shimmered for a moment before exploding in sparkles. Sirius laughed delightedly. "She's a witch, too! I bet she'll be a good one. Good thing I told Tawny, she'll help Charlotte along I suspect." _

_He lurched suddenly and bumped heads with Lily, who rubbed her forehead where he'd collided with her. _

_"Did you watch me or Harry with James, ever?" Sirius said carefully._

"_Always," said Lily, confused. "Why?" _

_Sirius shook his head. "Then James must know… my secret. He must hate me. That's why he isn't here, isn't it?"_

_Lily chuckled and Sirius narrowed his eyes. "I hardly think the end of the friendship that made my life worth living is very funny." _

_Lily smiled. "I'm sorry, Sirius. But you don't understand, it's not like that there. Your afterlife is only what you make of it, only what you need. James could never be mad at you. He understands, just like you always wanted him to. And he loves you- just like he always did."_

_Sirius frowned. "There? This isn't the world beyond the veil?" _

_Lily shook her head. "This is only limbo, where we can go to connect with the living world. There's much more beyond here."_

_She pointed to the wide door, and tilted her head. "Are you ready to see it?" _

_Sirius turned back to the window. "I can come back? To look at the baby, and Harry?"_

_Lily nodded. "Anytime you want. But we should go, James has been waiting." _

_Sirius glanced out the window one last time. His daughter had food smeared all over her face and she was grinning happily. _

_"I've been waiting for James, too." He said finally. _

_With a sly smile, Lily took his hand and guided him to the door, and then they were gone. _


End file.
